"I am afraid to show you who I really am, because if I show you who I really am, you might not like it and that's all I got."
Sabrina Ward Harrison
I went to an old school friend's 21st birthday party yesterday, I went and I was a complete mess on the inside. I'm not good with parties, I never know what to do. There is no manual for social interactions such as birthday parties (disregarding "self-help" books). I'm actually thinking I should cash in on that gap in the market. I would never buy it, but I'm sure some idiot would, the market has spoken! So anyway, despite my poor social skills and the fact I was surrounded by old school acquaintances, that was not the biggest problem.
Everything comes back to this idea of having too many hang ups about myself and my expectations of other people. For example, my main fear of going to this party was not so much the socialising (big factor though), it was because of what I was wearing. For occasions such as these, it is expected of females to put in that extra effort, pull out the heels you cannot possibly walk normally in and doll yourself up in a tight and revealing dress. Okay, so maybe I don't go for the revealing part of that equation, but I did for the first time actually wear a tight dress. I really regret doing so for two reasons. 1. I'm too fat and broad to wear it, with no cleavage. 2. It attracts attention. Bad attention. There is nothing worse for someone like me, then walking around a room and feeling as though people are looking at you and judging. Everyone does it, we all judge people, I know. The tight dress is just a neat example of my hang ups, all rolled up into one little black dress.
This idea of having too many hang ups isn't news to me. It has been brought to my attention that I have an irritating ability of turning everything positive into a negative. Friends will give me a compliment and at first, of course I am suspicious, I'm always suspicious. After the suspicion has faded and I have worked out there is no ulterior motive for the compliment, I dismiss it. For example a friend will say, "George, you look lovely!" My response is always something like "You're either blind, intoxicated or you need medical attention, quick!" Of course there is always the friend's response, "don't be so negative Georgie," and I reply "I'm not negative, I'm a realist." Realistically screwed up is more like it. The thing that gets me every time though, is the fact people seem to think they have made some sort of revelation, that I may have issues. No. I'm quite aware of the fact I'm unable to take compliments, criticisms (especially criticisms) or "friendly" suggestions. Rather bizarrely, I have noticed it's always my male friends who will argue or try and change my opinion. Female friends just sigh dramatically and shake their heads. The latter response is quite dull, but I'm happy with it. The former is always more interesting, albeit generally pointless, my arguments can be circular or cutting at times.
So all of this got me thinking, I'm turning 21 soon enough (too soon) and maybe it is time to learn how to accept a compliment, you know, without wanting to interrogate or stare someone down? Or maybe I should stop overanalysing what people may or may not be thinking? I can't really know. It could be because I always expect the worst of people, which I still say is for the best. If you expect the worst then there will never be any disappointment, which means no pain (well, little to no pain). Holding people to certain expectations has only ever caused me pain, but my own expectations for myself are the worst and those aren't ever going to change. Why would I set lower goals for myself? People don't think enough about the long-term consequences of their actions anymore. They really should.
Maybe I just need some sort of epiphany or something miraculous to happen in my life? To completely blow my mind away and erase all worries about how I look, how I'm perceived and whether or not people like me (sarcasm shields me from that anyway). It's not so easy to change well-informed opinions about yourself, but I suppose I can always try harder, not just try. I've been trying for years, even if people don't believe me because there is no outward change, but I have been. Hurdles are a big problem in life, especially if you have short legs. I could never be an upbeat, knock on your door type person, but I could be just a tad less suspicious and open to new experiences. I might try that.
So you see, I'm getting a bit too old to be starving (literally and socially) and I'm far too young not to be enjoying life just because I'm too frightened to be 100% myself in front of people. That's probably my biggest "hang up," myself or rather, not liking myself. Of course it's not just not liking myself, it's also not liking myself in front of others or fear of rejection is probably more accurate (I'm really not good with rejection). Is this the way I want my life to be? Of course not, but to me the alternative is even more terrifying. Fear and suspicion may seem to be bad, but really they keep you vigilant against others, they make you harder and I really need all the protection I can get. I'm all for love and peace on a global and social level, but internally I'm holding on to that fear. Openness and optimism are my Kryptonite.
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