To get straight to the point, I have had absolutely no luck recently. Injuries, depression, worries and friend's problems, it's a lot for one person to deal with apparently. I had a fabulous birthday, everything was perfect, it was too good to be true. Obviously it was a little too good, because this week has just proved to me that good things don't ever last longer than a few days for me.
These past few days have been a slap to the face, a snap back to reality. All I can say is that life, specifically my life, is terrifying, disappointing and painful. It's even more painful when you really don't want to be here anymore. There are a handful of people in this world, family and friends, that would break my heart if they left me. The people that can make you laugh, smile and cry, sometimes simultaneously. Perhaps that's a good motive to go first, then I don't have to suffer that pain. Selfish, but even the thought of my parents ever leaving me is too much to deal with. I'd hate for them to leave and it hurts me to think of leaving them, even though I've tried to quite a few times now.
Sometimes though, those people you cherish the most aren't enough to halt the inevitable or destroy your despair. Even if you're in love with someone and you want to give them everything you have and share every moment with them, it just isn't enough. Just being in love with someone is an ordeal in itself, it's a bit like a thunderstorm. There's bright lights, loud noises and you're startled, but then there's rain and it's both fierce and calming. You're frightened, but at the same time you can't look away even if it means you get completely soaked to the bone. You can recognise something beautiful and terrifying when you see it and it makes you stay, despite all the fear. That's always what I've thought love to be anyway, something so powerful, destructive and beautiful all at once.
Even love and everything it encompasses isn't enough sometimes and really, if that isn't enough, what else could be? Hicks said there's a clear choice between fear and love and while I think the man was brilliant, sometimes there isn't that clear choice and that fear and your love for people meld into something dark and twisted. That's true despair.
I took a look at my life recently and I didn't like what I saw. I am so sick and tired of pain and hurting people, most of all I hate to disappoint people. I have been such a disappointment. I behaved myself throughout school because my sister was the rebellious child and my parents expected me to be good. I went to University because my family wanted me to go and be successful, not because I wanted to. I studied History because I originally loved it and so did my Nanna, but then she realised I didn't want to be a History teacher and she grew disappointed too. I've made all these choices and shaped my life around all these expectations and what I'm left with is nothing I originally wanted and absolutely no aspirations of my own. I've missed out on all the things other people my age have already done, all those relationships and stories they can tell, but I can't because it wasn't right of me to do those things when I was expected to be such a prim and proper person. I'm not saying I wasn't true to myself, I always wore what I wanted, listened to musicians who inspired me and picked my own influences, but my main choices were made for me. Maybe that's why I'm in such a mess now, I have no one to make my choices and I'm much better at managing other people and their problems than I am at managing myself.
This week I just wanted some sort of answer. I wanted to know where I was going. I wanted some sort of epiphany or talent that would take me somewhere. Instead I realised I had absolutely nothing, apart from my family and a few close friends, I have nothing of value to offer anyone. It's a terrible thing to rely on other people for your own happiness. I realised this, I bother people too much. I had some sort of moment of clarity when I realised that ending this, whatever this is, was the only thing I could choose for myself. I went from being so completely surrounded by darkness into somewhere brighter, just at the thought that I would never have to worry again. I wrote out all these notes and letters, not suicide notes, just notes of gratitude to everyone that I thought was significant in my life but who I had never gotten to thank. I wrote one to an art teacher I had whose kindness used to make me cry, another to one of my history teachers who I was always a bitch to and said something nasty to, something I still regret three years later. I wanted to thank him while I had the chance because he was actually amazing, perhaps a tad intimidating though. So I wrote out all these notes and they were heartfelt and genuine and I wrote them with feeling, like they would be my last ever words and my last chance to let them know how much I valued their impact on my life. When I woke up the next day, I was completely devastated. All my despair returned, all the things I wrote still sat there and I still can't touch them now. It's a bit like being tortured by some sort of mirage you see in the distance and as soon as you brush your fingertips against it, it just slips away again.
I spent hours and hours today just worrying and crying. I'll probably do the same tomorrow and the day after that, because there is no point to my life at the moment. There's nothing I want to achieve, there's nothing I want to do, I just want peace and some ending. I don't want to disappoint people but I don't want to be the same person. I've gone too far now though and I can't change anymore. I can't be bothered competing in a world full of people and I can't be bothered pretending to enjoy life. My father wrote on my birthday card last week that I should "love life" and all I could think of was that yes, I really should, but I don't. God I love my friends and my family and I would do anything for them, all I ask is that sometime soon they let me go. I just don't belong here anymore and I can feel it in my heart that these days are limited and those few moments when I laugh or when I smile, they are fewer and farther between. I don't want to leave though and be remembered as this loner, depressed girl, who hated parties and sat by herself. I want my family and my friends to remember how much I loved them and those moments when they made me laugh or smile, they were genuine moments. I want them to know how much their company and their happiness meant to me. Seeing my friends and my family happy has I think, been the highlight and greatest joy of my life.
Thursday 29 November 2012
Wednesday 21 November 2012
New age: Same old shit.
"Life is only a dream and we are the imagination of ourselves."
Bill Hicks
One of the things that really struck me reading Stephen Fry's first autobiography Moab Is My Washpot, was the letter he wrote for his future self (for when he was 25), as a seventeen year old teen, who would later attempt suicide. Now this letter stuck for me two main reasons, it was slightly presumptuous, you don't know if you'll actually be alive to read it (suicide attempts generally shorten those odds) and the fact that this letter was so moving. He described a complete transformation from teen to adult, from thoughts of freedom and idealism to the banal mind of an adult.
The reason I'm reproducing my thoughts about this letter now, is because it is the eve of my 21st birthday. The age of majority and "adulthood," whatever that means. I'm still trying to work it all out. The thought of writing a letter to myself doesn't appeal to me at all, but Fry's reasons behind writing it do. The realisation that everything you think is so significant and important to you now, may not be the case in the future, as life generally wears you down, is terrifying really. Does that mean 5 years from now, when I hopefully have some sort of career, I won't be as passionate about certain ideas or people, like the words of Bill Hicks? Hopefully this isn't the case, because that would kill me. I can't imagine a 9-5 job, debt and general weariness as being the ideal life for me. At least Fry did escape this, in my opinion anyway, he still seems as passionate about life as ever.
Turning 21 still doesn't sound that fun though. I typically don't care much for birthdays, other people's births I will celebrate, my own I won't. Personally it's all a bit hyped up and we should actually be thanking our parents on the day of our birth, our mothers especially, they did do all the work. I've also had absolutely no luck on the 22nd of November, it marks the anniversary of JFK's assassination, Michael Hutchence's death and the day each year I am very disappointed with life and stuck listening to INXS, with some JFK documentary on in the background. Anticipation of the day, I think, is better than the day itself.
My plans for the coming year though, well, they're quite limited. I don't really have any aspirations or dreams, apart from travelling the world and discovering some form of enlightenment. As for a career, I'm stumped. I've never really shown an aptitude for any particular career path or skill. I do lack talent, but am lucky enough to be surrounded by talented friends. I think that sort of makes up for it. Maybe the reason I'm so dreading turning 21 is that, now that I have finished University, people are expecting me to pursue some dream career and in the case of my family, settle down and start a family as soon as possible. The latter expectation may be put on hold indefinitely, I don't see it ever happening. The first part though, that I should really start working on.
So I guess it's goodbye teens and being part of the weird inbetweener group. Twenty wasn't that great an age anyway, or possibly it was average and external events ruined and tarnished it for me. All I know is I won't look back on being twenty with fondness. Maybe this year can be better? I hope so, I doubt it though.
21 - it's probably going to suck. Let's wait and see.
I had to end with my favourite quote from Bill Hicks. I hope I do always cherish his ideas.
"The world is like a ride in an amusement park, and when you choose to go on it you think it's real because that's how powerful our minds are. The ride goes up and down, around and around, it has thrills and chills, and it's very brightly colored, and it's very loud, and it's fun for a while. Many people have been on the ride a long time, and they begin to wonder, "Hey, is this real, or is this just a ride?" And other people have remembered, and they come back to us and say, "Hey, don't worry; don't be afraid, ever, because this is just a ride." And we … kill those people. "Shut him up! I've got a lot invested in this ride, shut him up! Look at my furrows of worry, look at my big bank account, and my family. This has to be real." It's just a ride. But we always kill the good guys who try and tell us that, you ever notice that? And let the demons run amok … But it doesn't matter, because it's just a ride. And we can change it any time we want. It's only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings of money. Just a simple choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love instead see all of us as one."
Bill Hicks
Bill Hicks
One of the things that really struck me reading Stephen Fry's first autobiography Moab Is My Washpot, was the letter he wrote for his future self (for when he was 25), as a seventeen year old teen, who would later attempt suicide. Now this letter stuck for me two main reasons, it was slightly presumptuous, you don't know if you'll actually be alive to read it (suicide attempts generally shorten those odds) and the fact that this letter was so moving. He described a complete transformation from teen to adult, from thoughts of freedom and idealism to the banal mind of an adult.
The reason I'm reproducing my thoughts about this letter now, is because it is the eve of my 21st birthday. The age of majority and "adulthood," whatever that means. I'm still trying to work it all out. The thought of writing a letter to myself doesn't appeal to me at all, but Fry's reasons behind writing it do. The realisation that everything you think is so significant and important to you now, may not be the case in the future, as life generally wears you down, is terrifying really. Does that mean 5 years from now, when I hopefully have some sort of career, I won't be as passionate about certain ideas or people, like the words of Bill Hicks? Hopefully this isn't the case, because that would kill me. I can't imagine a 9-5 job, debt and general weariness as being the ideal life for me. At least Fry did escape this, in my opinion anyway, he still seems as passionate about life as ever.
Turning 21 still doesn't sound that fun though. I typically don't care much for birthdays, other people's births I will celebrate, my own I won't. Personally it's all a bit hyped up and we should actually be thanking our parents on the day of our birth, our mothers especially, they did do all the work. I've also had absolutely no luck on the 22nd of November, it marks the anniversary of JFK's assassination, Michael Hutchence's death and the day each year I am very disappointed with life and stuck listening to INXS, with some JFK documentary on in the background. Anticipation of the day, I think, is better than the day itself.
My plans for the coming year though, well, they're quite limited. I don't really have any aspirations or dreams, apart from travelling the world and discovering some form of enlightenment. As for a career, I'm stumped. I've never really shown an aptitude for any particular career path or skill. I do lack talent, but am lucky enough to be surrounded by talented friends. I think that sort of makes up for it. Maybe the reason I'm so dreading turning 21 is that, now that I have finished University, people are expecting me to pursue some dream career and in the case of my family, settle down and start a family as soon as possible. The latter expectation may be put on hold indefinitely, I don't see it ever happening. The first part though, that I should really start working on.
So I guess it's goodbye teens and being part of the weird inbetweener group. Twenty wasn't that great an age anyway, or possibly it was average and external events ruined and tarnished it for me. All I know is I won't look back on being twenty with fondness. Maybe this year can be better? I hope so, I doubt it though.
21 - it's probably going to suck. Let's wait and see.
I had to end with my favourite quote from Bill Hicks. I hope I do always cherish his ideas.
"The world is like a ride in an amusement park, and when you choose to go on it you think it's real because that's how powerful our minds are. The ride goes up and down, around and around, it has thrills and chills, and it's very brightly colored, and it's very loud, and it's fun for a while. Many people have been on the ride a long time, and they begin to wonder, "Hey, is this real, or is this just a ride?" And other people have remembered, and they come back to us and say, "Hey, don't worry; don't be afraid, ever, because this is just a ride." And we … kill those people. "Shut him up! I've got a lot invested in this ride, shut him up! Look at my furrows of worry, look at my big bank account, and my family. This has to be real." It's just a ride. But we always kill the good guys who try and tell us that, you ever notice that? And let the demons run amok … But it doesn't matter, because it's just a ride. And we can change it any time we want. It's only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings of money. Just a simple choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love instead see all of us as one."
Bill Hicks
Sunday 18 November 2012
Open relationships: Open to criticism.
Blogging today about relationships seems so over done and dull, but it's not exactly conventional relationships I'm musing on. I very recently entered a relationship with someone, obviously. Now this person is absolutely brilliant, very smart, very funny and completely out of my league, but we have quite a connection. That's important to note once I get to the response I've gotten from being in this relationship.
So this guy is a sweetheart really. Absolutely perfect even with his imperfections. I met him overseas and since then we have Skyped, texted and called each other frequently. I ended up getting propositioned and agreed. So that's the beginning of the complexities of our relationship, long distance. Personally, it doesn't bother me at all. Physical desire is one thing, but to lust after someone's mind and soul is quite another. For me, attraction usually involves those latter elements, I don't really focus on the physical until much later.
Obviously I was overjoyed at being paired with someone so brilliant and above me, I was smiling for days. However, there's a bit of a twist. You see, this relationship involves another lovely woman, who was once this guy's girlfriend. An open relationship it is. That sounds kind of bizarre, but he was open and honest about their "friends with benefits" partnership and frankly, I have no reason not to believe him. He asked me if that was okay, with the possibility of other women being involved, and after quite a few drinks I agreed.
There are benefits to this sort of relationship, no matter what people generally believe. There is honesty, affection and tolerance, which is very important. I think the biggest aspect is compromise though. I can compromise on this because I do feel quite guilty about being here while he's over there. Most importantly though, the other woman or possibly, women, are people who can offer things I can't and maybe it's the distraction I'm after. I like a certain amount of distance to be honest, I can't reveal everything about myself except to the closest of friends, maybe they can. It also disguises a lot of my imperfections for the foreseeable future. Not that I'm lying to him, but I'm never completely myself around people I fancy a lot, it gets too personal that way. I can't do that.
I have had to deal with a wide variety of reactions to my relationship though, mostly negative ones. I can understand people who think it's quite wrong for one person to have another and myself to be faithful, but those people are dead wrong. We're both faithful and I'm not a complete idiot. If I can deal with it, other people can suck it up. The worst response though were people who assume you have to be physically near someone to be in a relationship. I think some people need to control themselves, I just do not care that much for physicality anyway. Besides, I'm not expecting a long-term romance or something life-changing to occur, but I will settle with what I'm offered. People like to feel wanted sometimes.
Basically the sum of all this is just to say open relationships can work (I hope so anyway) and aren't all bad. Would I prefer not to be in one? Yes, but we all have to make sacrifices. I never thought I would be a part of one, I'm much too shy to do these sorts of things, so I'm not going to go out and find somebody else on the side, I couldn't do that, but I have only a few problems with someone that does. Not that I'll tell him that, he's happy and he's lovely and the most important thing, he actually fancies me too. That's different and because of that, the other details I can ignore.
So this guy is a sweetheart really. Absolutely perfect even with his imperfections. I met him overseas and since then we have Skyped, texted and called each other frequently. I ended up getting propositioned and agreed. So that's the beginning of the complexities of our relationship, long distance. Personally, it doesn't bother me at all. Physical desire is one thing, but to lust after someone's mind and soul is quite another. For me, attraction usually involves those latter elements, I don't really focus on the physical until much later.
Obviously I was overjoyed at being paired with someone so brilliant and above me, I was smiling for days. However, there's a bit of a twist. You see, this relationship involves another lovely woman, who was once this guy's girlfriend. An open relationship it is. That sounds kind of bizarre, but he was open and honest about their "friends with benefits" partnership and frankly, I have no reason not to believe him. He asked me if that was okay, with the possibility of other women being involved, and after quite a few drinks I agreed.
There are benefits to this sort of relationship, no matter what people generally believe. There is honesty, affection and tolerance, which is very important. I think the biggest aspect is compromise though. I can compromise on this because I do feel quite guilty about being here while he's over there. Most importantly though, the other woman or possibly, women, are people who can offer things I can't and maybe it's the distraction I'm after. I like a certain amount of distance to be honest, I can't reveal everything about myself except to the closest of friends, maybe they can. It also disguises a lot of my imperfections for the foreseeable future. Not that I'm lying to him, but I'm never completely myself around people I fancy a lot, it gets too personal that way. I can't do that.
I have had to deal with a wide variety of reactions to my relationship though, mostly negative ones. I can understand people who think it's quite wrong for one person to have another and myself to be faithful, but those people are dead wrong. We're both faithful and I'm not a complete idiot. If I can deal with it, other people can suck it up. The worst response though were people who assume you have to be physically near someone to be in a relationship. I think some people need to control themselves, I just do not care that much for physicality anyway. Besides, I'm not expecting a long-term romance or something life-changing to occur, but I will settle with what I'm offered. People like to feel wanted sometimes.
Basically the sum of all this is just to say open relationships can work (I hope so anyway) and aren't all bad. Would I prefer not to be in one? Yes, but we all have to make sacrifices. I never thought I would be a part of one, I'm much too shy to do these sorts of things, so I'm not going to go out and find somebody else on the side, I couldn't do that, but I have only a few problems with someone that does. Not that I'll tell him that, he's happy and he's lovely and the most important thing, he actually fancies me too. That's different and because of that, the other details I can ignore.
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