2013: 5 Key Moments

“Existence is.. well.. what does it matter? I exist on the best terms I can. The past is now part of my future. The present is well out of hand.” 
― Ian Curtis

2013, what a year it has been. My excessive blogging has clued most of you into how the majority of my year went down, 'as it happened' (news programmes love to say that). As such, I don't feel the need to ramble and try to explain each and every occurrence of 2013 - I'll focus mostly on the better parts.

Number One:

Graduation.

I graduated from the University of Sydney, an amazing feat for someone as dopey as myself. I'll admit - I was a bit proud. My parents actually managed to spend time in each other's company for the first time in almost 16 years, quite astounding, and incredibly touching. It made my day, more so than actually becoming a 'graduate', no longer a 'graduand'. I was waiting three long years for that day and it was nothing like I had imagined it would be. It was better, due to my parents both being present. 

That bloody cap was a nightmare! As was the fur thingy.

Number Two:
Masters.

I began my Masters degree. Despite a pretty dreadful beginning, I ended up making two great friends and began to enjoy my classes. I will say to friends who told me a Masters is easier than a Bachelors degree, you lot are bonkers.


Number Three:
Internship.

I got to intern at Verge Gallery. It was challenging and set off my anxiety in the beginning, but it was definitely worth it once completed. I got to experience so much. I learnt new skills, overcame my intense fear of ladders (people should not be above floor level), and most importantly, got to experience art on a daily basis. I didn't have to make time to go to an exhibition, I helped create one. Very rewarding. Challenging, but rewarding nonetheless.


Number Four:
Friends Time & Birthday Surprise

I spent the majority of my year not feeling well enough to see my friends, I even lost a few as a result. Those that I lost, I realise now (took me a while), really didn't matter - not at all. Those who I cherish, more than The Beatles even, never left me. Spending any length of time with them brightened my day and brought me so much joy. At times, I swear my heart could burst with how much love and affection I feel for them (they know who they are), I'd do anything for these people. Perhaps not anything associated with murder though, I have a strict moral code, but they know I'm there for them - I love them. Adopted family, most definitely.

I even turned twenty-two during 2013, shocking, I know. Here I was thinking I'd be stuck being a lousy twenty-one year old forever. But no - I turned twenty-two and oh boy, it was much better than I expected it to be! Dread is the only word that can describe how I felt pre-birthday, but that day was lovely. Breakfast with my father, lunch with my best friend, and an evening in a bar - lots of friends, lots of vodka. The best of times, I think we can all agree, come from this combination. I was so happy that evening, I was literally jumping for joy. My favourite day this year.

One of the happiest moments of my life - never going to forget this.

Number Five:
A Marriage.

One of my older sisters got married. I now have a brother-in-law. I can't say I expected to have one so soon, but I always knew I would. My sister was so happy and that made me happy. She's also expecting my nephew next year, that deserves a mention.

I have no doubt he will be a much appreciated addition to the family, mostly because he's male - they're currently outnumbered 1 to 5 by us ladies. As they should be, but he will be so loved. He already is.

So those were the key moments (happy ones) of 2013. It has been the worst year of my life, even topping 1997, which I had previously thought to be impossible. These moments made me so happy though, and I didn't want to depress people with another mad rant about why depression is a killer, why anxiety leaves you helpless, but most of all - I'd rather focus on these moments and not resent the entire year. It wasn't all bad. Definitely mostly though. (sorry!)

My favourite Christmas gift.



Happy New Year everyone, I hope 2014 brings you love and nothing but happiness. Anyone who can read this deserves as much. I sincerely apologise for my moods changing from joy to sadness so quickly, and for making you endure that - that was unforgivable of me. I'm sorry.

I'm also sorry if I made anyone feel lousy, no one I know truly is. I'm just a stubborn idiot most of the time.

Thank you for sticking by me throughout 2013 - you made it for me. I honestly wouldn't be here without a lot of you. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

Girl, Interrupted.

“Our life is what our thoughts make it.”

-     - Marcus Aurelius

I was watching some daft "news" programme the other day. It was very dull, but a certain segment caught my attention; it was about the 'entitled' attitude people now possess. Apparently we are living in a time where manners are considered a thing of the past. We're permanently stressed, rushed and want things NOW, NOW, NOW! We want to lose weight instantly, we want to be served in a cafe instantly, and we obviously have no time to wait. Who can be bothered with 'old-fashioned' pleasantries anymore?

While I did find myself blinking lazily at what passes for journalism nowadays, I did agree with this ‘report’ to a certain extent. However, I also believe it is a tad unfair to claim the majority of us are no longer courteous or polite. Based on my own behaviour and what I've seen from my friend's interactions with other life forms, we do still have manners and are willing to chat (not with creepy taxi drivers, for good reason) with others, but this particular social commentary caused my thoughts to stray a bit (as television usually does) to something I had been pondering for a while now.

Entitlement. What we expect from people, from life in general and what we believe we deserve. I have been very unhappy recently, for numerous reasons, some old and some new. This idea of entitlement though has given me a new perspective; it has interrupted my self-pity and loathing, and twisted those thoughts into something new.

When I am at my worst, when bad things happen (within and outside of my control), I tend to fall back on that childish question ‘why do bad things happen to good people?’ Not that I would be so arrogant as to call myself a good person, but in some cases where I cannot find a reason for the circumstances or the treatment I have received, I can be the ‘good’ person in the equation.

When bad things happen, that I do not understand, I give up on trying for some time. Trying to fit in, trying to be social (I’m an introvert, it’s a struggle), trying to be happy or to make others happy. The cynical side comes forth to protect me and asks, ‘why bother with everything and everyone, when all you get in return is pain and suffering?’ I have used that as an excuse, so many times during my life, to not interact with people and the rest of the world. During those times I believe I am merely protecting myself from everything outside. I cannot control what goes on out there, but I can certainly control my emotions and myself if there are no external forces acting upon my person.

There is of course, a great flaw in this plan of mine. Those sorts of questions and that attitude completely close you off from everything and everyone around you. Yes, you may limit pain and suffering through self-imposed isolation, but you are also blocking out all sources of happiness too. It's like closing your curtains or blinds during the nighttime to rest and not opening them in the morning, not experiencing the sunlight of a new day.

I would never simply say depression is an attitude problem (like so many do), that’s misinformed, condescending and hurtful for those who struggle with such an illness. I can say though, from my own experience, that it is very easy to be self-pitying, hating the world for causing you pain or for being unfair, but it's much harder and more rewarding, to look past that and focus on what makes you happy. The world has never truly been unkind to you; it's a neutral party in the politics of living. It is people who are unfair or unkind. It’s people, you and those you choose to surround yourself with, that are the greatest sources of unhappiness.

We all feel entitled to an extent, to receive kindness and love unconditionally, not taking into account that at times, we may not deserve such treatment. When you feel that way, that people owe you something, that life owes you something better than what you have, you can never be truly happy. Why should life reward you when you have not tried or when you have not made the effort to be happy? Don’t expect nothing though, have standards and boundaries (those are good things), but you cannot expect happiness to be given to you on a silver platter.

Happiness in my opinion, is not something that is ready-made, it’s something that is created; it’s born from many things. For me, it’s mostly my friendships with others that make me happy. Learning one of my best friends Vicky got a new job made me happy, seeing my eldest sister and hearing about her dreams for the future made me happy and talking to my friend Tim always makes me happy. All of that joy that I have received from those interactions, wasn’t because I was ‘entitled’ to it, but because I participated in life, and with people who make me truly happy.

I have no doubt that I will probably lose this perspective at some point and wallow in unhappiness again for a while, but it is my hope in writing this (while the thoughts are still fresh), that maybe, just maybe, I’ll look back on this and remember that my cure is to be alongside the people who mean the world to me. We’re not entitled to anything, we have to be living, to be a participant, to receive and experience the true beauty of life.

It’s like the Professor Jagger once said, ‘you can’t always get what you want, but if you try some times, you get what you need’.

P.S Thank you to Channel 7 for being so lousy. I had to go out into the world and be happy to escape the sheer amount of stupidity being broadcasted.