"The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen."
- Elisabeth Kübler-Ross
Following Kübler-Ross' quotation on the feelings of people, or rather the impact of feelings on people, I have to say that I have always connected with people who have not had the easiest of lives. You will notice that these people have a sort of resolve and resilience that is completely admirable, and they do make the greatest friends. More than likely, this is due to the fact that having survived so much and dealt with so much drama in their own lives, they seem to become the more compassionate members of our society. The people who understand when to speak and when to listen, or when to reach out with a kind act to brighten someone else's day. What isn't admirable about that kind of human spirit? Although I am somewhat of a cynic myself, I could never think unkindly about these sorts of beautiful people.
The reason I mention these sorts of people is because very recently in my life, feelings have become such a major issue and my friends (these wonderful people) have helped guide me through it as best as they could. Feelings in general are definitely one of the most important parts of being human (as Dumbledore explained to Harry), but when feelings aren't "good" or "healthy," they are completely destructive. Feelings do not just appear, at least not to me, they build and are shaped by external influences and they can go either way. They can create something amazing like loving relationships or they can destroy everything that was once "good." As I've always considered myself much more of a thinking person, which is true when I'm being objective or in the position to do so, when it comes to my own life I am definitely much more of a feeler or an empath (not to be mistaken with Phoebe from Charmed).*
Being more empathetic towards people can never be admonished. It is certainly a trait I wish more people in this world possessed, but there is a limit to this "ability" of mine. I think Andrew Boyd put it best when he wrote:
“Compassion hurts. When you feel connected to everything, you also feel responsible for everything. And you cannot turn away. Your destiny is bound with the destinies of others. You must either learn to carry the Universe or be crushed by it. You must grow strong enough to love the world, yet empty enough to sit down at the same table with its worst horrors.”
Unfortunately for me, I haven't yet conquered the skills required to disconnect myself from other people's lives. In particular I seem to have a problem with getting caught up in the feelings of others and disregarding my own at the same time. This is a big problem for me, a huge problem in fact. The most alarming aspect of this particular problem is taking on other people's thoughts and feelings, while your own aren't stable in the slightest. I've done this, very recently with a friend of mine. To make matters worse, neither of us possessed stable thoughts or feelings, both sets were tumultuous and overwhelming to the point where I began having panic attacks. I woke up from nightmares and panicked, not only was I drowning in my sleep, now I was drowning under the weight of more than just my own feelings. I couldn't bear it. So you see, there comes a point when human emotion can be so hurtful and feeling responsible for other people's lives and feelings can just create the worst sort of despair imaginable, especially when you realise you cannot possibly fix everything. Trying to fix other people and make them stronger is an impossible task if your own feelings and sense of responsibility are built upon shaky foundations.
Everyone knows what it is like to feel stressed (not teenage girls though), to panic, to be nervous or sad when another friend is sad. No one ever wants a friend to feel alone, to be overwhelmed by despair and pain and most people will adopt or attempt to share some of those feelings. However, most people know about the importance of boundaries. We'll call them boundaries because that is what I think they are (think of a wall), even though I've never had a friend say to me "okay George, you're overstepping my emotional boundaries here." They exist because, let's face it, most of us have enough to be going on with and it isn't healthy to become depressed just because your friend is. You can't help people by mimicking them. Once again, another failing of mine. I have a remarkable tendency to absorb another person's feelings at times, close friends or family I mean. I don't actually wander the streets and say "hey buddy, tell me about it, let's have a moment here." That would be absurd and well, despite what I'm telling you in this blog entry, I do have a cap on my levels of compassion and empathy, I only have enough reserves for those I love dearly.
The reason I'm writing all of this, about feelings, beautiful people, the importance of boundaries, is mostly for my own benefit I'll admit. It's more to remind myself of these things which I know, but which I often forget to put into practice. I'm depressed, I get overwhelmed and anxious easily, I'm not vulnerable but I'm not a rock like Paul Simon or Art Garfunkel** either. My own feelings or perhaps even my whole existence, exists in my mind as an outlier in the data. The way I am, I would never want a friend of mine to be. The things I do, like taking responsibility for other people's lives or to take their feelings to spare them pain, I think that is a very humane response, but not a healthy one. I wouldn't recommend doing it.
People experience different feelings and responses for a reason and I suppose my reason for wanting to spare certain people pain is because I love them more than words can express. I've been thinking about boundaries more and more though and I think that most of our lives are dealing with feelings and experiencing pain, sadness and heartbreak, because these things are what make beautiful people and encourage compassion. Our feelings, our experiences, it builds our foundations and makes us stronger people in the grand scheme of things.
As for me though, my moonlighting days as a Charmed One have been crippling that progress for some people and I'm sorry, that wasn't my intention. The only thing I created was more pain for myself, I caused severe frustration in quite a number of people and I realised the dreadful truth that I am actually only human, not a Charmed One (although they were technically human). I can't do everything for people (even though I want to).
I think I would have preferred the power of telekinesis, but only if I could move thoughts or feelings out of my mind to somewhere else entirely. Apart from telekinesis, empathy isn't too bad though, once you learn how to control it. It's just a damn shame it takes so much work, but that's humanity for you, we always have to be feeling something. Nothing is ever easy.
Notes:
* Phoebe (Alyssa Milano, the babe) actually did go crazy from empathy when she received that power in Charmed, but she learnt how to control it. Prue (Shannen Doherty, power of telekinesis) did as well in the first series (before she was killed off).
** I Am A Rock by Simon & Garfunkel, appreciate it.
