― Laurie Halse Anderson
I spent the majority of my teenage years being a cold and abrasive person, because that's how I thought you should be. Somehow, being like that and completely indifferent towards others and everything around me, would make me the better person, the stronger person, when everyone else was obsessed with forming friendships and crying over their teenage romances. But I got tired go that, the skin I was wearing felt too unnatural to wear anymore, so I shed it. I was merely copying the facade used by my own mother with such expertise, but it was never me and after painful events, I realised it was never her either.
Sensitivity, being called sensitive, has taken a long time for me to accept and warm up to. In my family, sensitivity is not a trait of the strong, it's a weakness to be exploited. Possessing a sensitive soul is a failing of character and the inability to cope, being ruled by emotions. But that is completely false, entirely ignorant.
I don't believe I possess the kind of sensitivity some people are born with, that marks their character from the beginning. I know as I've gotten older, seen more things, made more mistakes, met more people and listened to them, that I have grown to be more sensitive, or empathetic. Empathy is what it truly is and that is most definitely not a failing. A human being without empathy could be considered an abomination, or a psychopath (it's one of the 20 criteria for diagnosis). Being sensitive I suppose, is one of the reasons I'm writing this.
This is a method of coping for me. It's difficult to verbalise all my thoughts, but writing seems natural and usually easier for others to understand. I'm also aware it's a 'black dog' day. Any attempt at verbal conversation today won't go well. This is a form of coping. We all need some way we cope with the stress and strain of our daily lives, some are harmless.
A harmless method I've always used, is listening to music. I have said it many times before, but music is my constant companion. Music is constant, it remains exactly as it was when it was created. That's why most of us have a strong visceral connection to it, because no matter what else is going on in your life, in the lives of those you surround yourself with, music has that extraordinary ability to take you back to the same place you first heard the song, to remind you of someone you listened to it with, of a year, of an event - it does all those things. It's an escape and a harmless one.
But there are others methods that aren't harmless, that's aren't at all healthy and I hope, not used by anyone I've ever met. Despite being a blow to my pride, which I admit I possess a lot of, the majority of my methods aren't good. I can write about those, because I believe that if you have certain knowledge at your disposal, it's almost a moral obligation to pass it on to others, to educate them and I hope, to prevent them from taking the same path I have.
For contextual purposes and perspective, we'll start with basic questions.
If I, George MB, wasn't writing this, what would I be doing right now?
I'd be focused on the fact I've consumed 9.83 calories today, how many minutes of exercise I've done, how many more I have to do before I can stop, that I weighed a total 46.4kgs at 5am this morning, and hating myself all the more for it.
Why do this?
Because I can't help myself. Because it's a habit. Because it's addictive. Because it's something I can do and it takes away my pain, by giving me a new source created entirely in my head. Because it's me and I don't like me. I don't like what the mirror shows me, I don't like my personality, I don't like my idiosyncratic awkwardness and inability to ever be comfortable. Because it's a distraction from everything else. Mostly, because I just don't like me.
The greatest difficulty in life for me, is that it's uncontrollable. I can't control what people say, what they do, accidents or inevitabilities, but I can control myself. Other people can crush my heart, they can warp my words and bleed me dry of all the happiness I possess, until I feel like the living dead, but there are parts of me that can never be stripped or touched by another person. I need something that is mine. I needed this more than anything, I thought.
But this was a mistake. To allow this kind of thinking to continue was a mistake. Now it's become my life. It's me. Like my depression, I can't separate myself from it and see who I am, all I see is a starving, depressed and worthless human being.
A lot of people do suffer, for many different reasons. I'm writing this because I know how much it hurts to be the child of parents who don't really see you, who don't know the first thing about you, as a person. I love them, but they possess an image of me that hasn't been accurate in years. I also know how much a careless word, a criticism and taunts can hurt, especially when they're said by someone you care for - that gives their words much more weight, much more authority to inflict pain. So I can completely understand the desperate need to have some method of coping, a form of escape, that separates a person from everything else going in their life that is uncontrollable, that they don't want to or don't know how, to deal with.
But I wouldn't want anyone to ever be like me, to think the way I do, to do what I do. And if there is some small way I could persuade people against taking a similar path, it's worth writing this. Eating disorders, depression, anxiety, psychosis, all these things can destroy your life. I know many people who have suffered with such things and they have recovered or are recovering. That fills my heart with joy, because no one deserves the daily pain from suffering with any of these.
I want people I know to always know, that I think the world of them, to me they're perfect - just as they are. If you need a way to cope with the sadness, the pain or just stress, find a harmless way to do so, but please don't ever choose to harm yourself, to cause yourself more pain as a distraction. You're worth so much more. If you can't think of anything good about yourself or feel down, just know, I think you're a marvellous wonder. I think you're beautiful and I'll say or write that, as many times as I have to for friends to understand, because I don't want them to be like me and be incapable of believing any compliment or anything good said about themselves without doubting it. Because they're worth every minute of my time and so much more. Mostly because I love them - imperfections and all.
No one's perfect and really, we'd all hate the person that was.
