2012: That's A Wrap Everyone!

Well, it has been quite a year. When I was thinking about writing this I thought, where the hell do I start?!  I can't begin at the beginning of 2012 because either can't remember much of it, or it was entirely uneventful. So I'm just going to pick some key moments and run with that and because I'm feeling particularly sentimental, I'll end with my thoughts on the closest people in my life. Sounds like a plan, alrighty then.

First things first, I became an "aunt" again, with the newest member of our family, Braxton Jordan, being born in April. He was the tiniest creature I have ever seen in my life, new to this world and so delicate to hold. I'll admit I had this insane fear that I was going to break him, he just seemed so precious to me. His birth was definitely a beautiful event this year.

Following April I suppose a big moment for me, definitely the highlight of my year, was my solo trip to England to study abroad at the University of East Anglia (UEA). I don't know what I was expecting, knowing me it wouldn't have been much, a terrible accident or injury perhaps? Whatever I had previously thought, UEA blew my mind. I met so many warm and energetic people from all around the world and I'm glad to call quite a few of them friends now. I had this once in a lifetime opportunity to live and study in Norwich and London for a little over four weeks and I had the time of my life. I was already completely in love with London, but Norwich was not what I expected at all. I'm a city girl, loud noises and cafes on every corner is what I'm used to. Norwich was not loud, it wasn't overflowing with cafes at all, but it was quaint and held so much history and beauty, I fell in love with the small town too. I got to learn a lot more than contemporary British theatre while I was there. I think I found out what it was like to be completely out of your comfort zone, surrounded by people you don't know and I love the independence it inspired. I've never regretted studying abroad, it was probably the best thing I have ever or will ever do.

Theatre kids take London. Mana, Jeff, Anna, George (me), Mackenzie and Lana.

After my incredible adventure to the Motherland, the year really went down hill very quickly. Within the space of three months I got the "opportunity" to move three times, once legitimately my own choice. It was rough on me and incredibly upsetting, but that's life for you. I have now settled in the Inner West of Sydney with my best friend and another girl I went to school with. I think this place suits me much better than the Eastern suburbs where I'm originally from, although the coffee definitely isn't as good, cheaper though. It's very hard at times, living with friends, you're bound to get at each other's throats a bit and that has happened, but overall it's not that hard. Moving out was always a plan of mine before I turned 21 anyway and I accomplished that, perhaps not on my own terms though.

So that leads us to another major (somewhat major) event, I turned the ripe old age of 21 in the same week I finished my Bachelor of Arts degree. So not only am I old now, I've also finished University with a degree in History, set to graduate in April of 2013.  My birthday week was incredible in comparison to how my life generally is, I got to spend time with friends, receive fabulous gifts and I felt very loved. My party was small but everything I wanted, it was probably one of the greatest weeks of my life. 

My eldest sister Cass, George and my second eldest sister Jessie on my 21st birthday.

Those were the main events of 2012 I suppose. Everything else is irrelevant now and not particularly interesting. I did get to see Bill Bailey and Noel Fielding with friends. I changed my hair plenty of times, changed jobs, lost (very little) weight, slow walkers pissed me off even more than usual, I tried to be more social (failed) and struggled with my depression and eating disorder again. See? Completely irrelevant daily stuff, not very interesting. 

So you're probably wondering, George, where is this going now? You've just wrapped 2012 up! Not quite, not quite darlings. My wrap up would not be complete unless I took this final opportunity to mention a few people who made this year bearable. Bear with me here, I'm an emotional being at times.

To:

Cass - My darling eldest sister, what an inspiration you are! I'm so glad I found you again.

Jessie - My constant companion always, you're even more beautiful on the inside.

Gabby - My oldest friend, my philosophical equal.

Laura - My other half.

Thea - One of the smartest and kindest souls I know.

Vick - My sister from another mother, father, country, different birth date...

Anna - A beautiful lady, one I wish I had met so much earlier.

Jenny - My feisty Russian doll and protector.

Drew - A warm-hearted beauty.

Lily - A top notch baker and an even better friend (if possible).

Timothy - Terribly bad (but funny) accents, bizarre stories and endearingly odd.

Mitchell - My favourite cousin, you deserve so much more out of this life, I hope it shapes up for you.

Nanna - Sorry I let you down, but everyone has their own dream.

Mum - Thank you for everything, but how did you forget to pick me up?!

One pissed off Kindy student.  You forgot that Mum!

Dad - No I'm just moody, I don't get my period everyday of the year, thank you very much.

That is it guys, that's a wrap for 2012 with all the highs and lows this year has brought me.

Was there a point to all of this? I'd like to think there was. If my life has taught me anything, it is that I should be thankful for the things I do have and what I'm most thankful for is the people I have, hence the messages. You should know that the one thing I wanted most in life was to make people happy, that has always been the goal. I hope I was somewhat successful in my endeavour, even if it made you happy for a second, that's good enough for me. It's also the reason that I have this persistent desire to take hundreds of photos every time I'm out with friends, to update my Facebook status, to write a blog entry, all because I want that documentation of my happiness with others. I just wanted to capture all those good moments and never forget them, I know how easy it is to forget those magic moments at times. So I apologise now for my obsessive updating of Facebook and this blog and taking large amounts of photos of every person I know. 

Now this was a happy moment for me, terrifying, but happy.

Thank you my lovelies, you have been spectacular, sincerely. GRMB.

A thought on life:

"And if I can take part in it by transforming my own consciousness, then someone else's, I'm happy to do it." 

- Bill Hicks

Prescription Pills: The Making of Wonderful Disasters.

"I'm a wonderful disaster. So are you. We're all a mess. We're in this culture that says take this pill and you'll be happy, go on this diet and you'll be thinner, have your teeth whitened, people will love you more." 
This is society in a nutshell. 

I want to correct something for you or better yet, provide you with some new insights I've just recently realised. To mention a post of mine from way back, when I was discussing drugs and the possibility that they're not all that bad, I have something new to add to that discussion. I still believe we can't really judge people who choose to use drugs and I still think they have had some positive impacts, however I'm starting to think that the point of me writing that post was to validate my own actions. I don't consider myself a drug-taker (most of them don't) but I can't deny the fact I've abused them. Prescriptions pills most definitely and very rarely, alcohol too.

Prescription pill "popping" is probably a lot more common than most people think. I consider those warnings more of a guideline anyway, people assume they know how much they can handle (myself included). It just so happens that in my case I can take quite a hit from many different types of pills e.g. valium, xanax, panadeine forte etc. They're all prescription only, but these days doctors seem more than happy to give them out to you (a big part of the problem), it's only the pharmacist that's a bit iffy. So unlike alcohol, I can handle these sorts of drugs. I've used and abused them at times, always at dark times and I never achieve anything apart from grogginess, pain and confusion. When I was thinking about this last night it did strike me that I was a lot more like my mother than I had previously thought. I know there is a lot of talk about addictions being linked to your genetics and I do believe that, but maybe when I was judging my mother (well, considering more like) I was ignoring my own abuses of drugs. I think maybe I do actually belong to that group of drug-takers I was discussing, maybe that's what bugs me so much when people want to criticise something they can't understand. I can understand these sorts of addictions because a) well acquainted with so many people with addiction problems and b) on occasion I happen to belong to that group that is so criticised by our "society." (Note: Society sucks)

With that realisation, I can't say I will actually change anything about my "problem." It's more recreational than a habit (true story), it's more for pain than for needing the pills to survive and it's usually to aid the process of dying. Considering all those attempts have failed, maybe I'm just not very good at drug-taking or my body just keeps outsmarting my mind (not a hard task). Regardless of why I choose to take prescription drugs, I would really hate to see what my internal organs look like now, let's put it that way.

In regards to suicide and prescription pills though, people always seem to believe that overdosing is a much more womanly way to die. There is less mess, less pain (so they think) and it's quick (sometimes). People are idiots and most certainly wrong about those assumptions and I can't for the life of me understand where they got their information from (if they have ANY), but I have heard this sort of rubbish time and time again. Apparently shooting yourself or something more violent is a "manly" way to die. Bullshit.  I'm not even going to bother correcting them because it's just ridiculous, but I would say to people who criticise the way someone chooses to die that maybe they should focus on why someone would want to die in the first place. It doesn't matter how someone dies, isn't the loss of a life itself more important? How is just the details, why is what is more important. Then again, some people really get a kick out of being cold-hearted and mean-spirited and I've never really liked those sorts of individuals anyway.

There was really no point to this post really, I just wanted to correct some of my previous statements. I left out prescription drugs altogether in my last drugs post because it's a touchy subject for me, it's still quite raw in fact because it's very close to me. Illicit drugs, alcohol abuse, all of those drug addictions are close as well, but they're not me, I don't do those sorts of things (not willingly anyway, I have been spiked), so it is a lot easier to be objective (somewhat) about those habits. I'm correcting my previous errors now because it just seemed like the right time to do it and I have to say, I do wish doctors would stop being so giving with all the drugs. I really don't like doctors. Maybe at some point it was about curing people and helping them, now it seems to be acceptable to load them up with goodies. I'm not blaming them (whoever they are, loads of people probably), individuals ultimately choose whether or not they're going to abuse them but less access would be handy. I just don't know, what do other people think?

I do seriously believe people need to be more aware of seemingly harmless drugs like those prescribed to you as being addictive as well, instead of just assuming that if a doctor prescribes it, it must be good for you. A load of good it has done for me. They have never helped me, they have only ever aided my own destruction. I could probably blame our social atmosphere for that, because that's the flaw with our society isn't it? Everything good just decays. We'll do whatever we're told, we'll take whatever we're given and we ultimately abuse and twist all those "good" things until we are these "wonderful disasters." We're all a mess really.

Regrets & mistakes, they're memories made.

Talking to people about my problems is not natural, it's not me. If you believe in personality types, which I certainly do, it definitely isn't me. I've had to take those tests for numerous reasons and I always end up with INTJ, introverted, intuitive, thinking and judging.

The introverted part is obvious, that isn't a problem for me now, although attempting to be more social is. It's the thinking and the judging. I much prefer to observe and be objective, to be in control with concrete plans that I follow through. Being emotional, talking about feelings and worries, it's just not me. Everyone knows that, so when I try and tell people about some of my problems for a change, no one takes me seriously. It is incredibly heartbreaking when you summon up the courage to talk to someone and they laugh at you, or they tell you to grow up and change your attitude.

So I have tried talking to people. I have tried seeing people. I have tried ignoring people. Nothing works. Whenever I try and speak, I just choke up. Whenever I go out with people, I'm physically there but I am not there. Ignoring people doesn't work much either, my ability to feel guilt and to worry always kills that idea. 

The past two weeks have been torture. Thursday evening and Friday were more than torture, I can't even describe it. Looking back now with a slightly clearer mind, I just keep thinking of all the things I should have done. I shouldn't have tried to make people understand because they couldn't, I shouldn't have told anyone I was unhappy and I definitely should have switched my phone off or taken the battery out. I should have stayed on the floor and not moved for anything, because maybe then I would have succeeded. Despite any consequences, any hurt feelings, all things which I already feel guilt for, it was what I wanted more than anything in the world. All I did though was reinforce my own opinion, which is that I am just a failure at everything. I've backed myself into a corner I just cannot get out of, every possibility just causes more pain and suffering.

I can't live and I can't die. I make people unhappy by being here and I make people unhappy by trying to leave here. I couldn't be perfect for my parents so that I could make them happy and because they're not happy, I can't be happy either.  I can't fix them and so I can't fix myself. My only source of happiness is the ability to make other people happy. If I can't make people happy then what good am I? That's my job, it's my place and it's where I thought I fit in the world, in my group of friends and in my family. But I just keep failing everyone and myself. I'm just hurting people by making them unhappy because I'm unhappy. On Friday I couldn't find myself. I don't remember getting up, I don't remember going downstairs or how I got from the bathroom to a park, but I do remember the devastation that the morning brought me and I do remember breaking down in a park suffocated by guilt. I got home somehow and just broke down in front of my best friend. It was a relief then, but it's a regret now. I cried my heart out to my Nanna and now all I feel is shame. I started quoting a Blake poem to her and described myself as being like a Robin in a cage and she thought I was mental. This weekend has just past and I still don't know where I actually am or how I feel. I think this is nothingness.   

So I'm not going to try and talk about my problems anymore, because it doesn't help me and it's my place to be the one listening, not talking. I'm not going to tell people I'm unhappy ever again because it just kicks my empathy into overdrive and I change my plans to make other people happy. Who would have thought empathy was a weakness? It is though. I can't do anything right now because I made promises to people and I don't break my promises, but I can't do nothing and I can't say anything because, despite this blog post, I'd rather be alone at the end and let people remain unaware for as long as possible. I would rather be sad and alone than to hurt my friends and family, which is all I seem to be able to do. 

So as Elvis sang, "a little less conversation, a little more action." I'll drink to that.