The most certain fact of life is that people break promises, as I am sort of doing now. I try not to, I don't like false hope or false promises, but I needed to gather thoughts, express something and try to make something of the little energy I've been gifted with today.

I have eaten today (hence the energy), after a week and a half, purely to be awake long enough to communicate in a somewhat coherent manner - always the rambler though. I don't spend much time awake these days (insomnia mostly cured). This is mostly, to be honest, more of a written conversation to myself. I probably needed to do this a while ago, because mental conversations get a bit bothersome and ineffective after such a long time. Although, it is rather amusing in many ways (the only perk of being defective), to have different conversations with yourself. Not aloud, just mentally. It's like having many different people arguing for and against everything you do and say, having completely different ideas about every little thing. I'm not entirely sure which one is me, although they're all me in a way, but it's probably the one who seems exasperated by the situations I find myself in, bored even. Flailing hands, loud sighs and eye rolling - sounds like the old, typical me. That one is usually drowned out though.

I had a rather shocking day yesterday. There I was, waking up (for no real reason), getting out of bed (again, no reason), when I became truly upset and frantic. Why? My reflection in the mirror, which I did not think was me at first glance.

I could show you what it looks like when your rib cage, hip bones and collarbones all jut out and threaten to break through your delicate skin, but I won't (not an exhibitionist). But I can't show you or properly express the shock and disbelief when you catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror and don't recognise any part of you. I swear even fundamental things, like eye colour, seem different - darker somehow. Everything screamed misery to me.

And that voice, the one that seems to be constantly fed up, irritated and mentally slapping me, was really fucking sad and filled with rage. 'Look! Look at what you've done! You've fucking destroyed us!' I can't say I disagreed then. That momentary glimpse in the mirror completely ruined my day and definitely annihilated the cruel thoughts I'm used to. It's devastating to know that, although you despised so many aspects of yourself physically and mentally, you managed to destroy the very few things that you accepted, or liked, even. But you see, that was yesterday.

Now I just consider it a pity. An acceptable side effect, that's okay. There's just another reason to avoid mirrors and if I have a knack for anything, it's avoidance. If only I had a faulty memory though, that would be welcomed.

I've gotten on the acceptance train now. It's why it's much easier for me today, why I'm quite calm and filled with nothing. I don't believe I'm depressed anymore. I'm simply too drained to express sadness. Mostly though, I've figured out that instead of constantly resisting the black dog, or dark, macabre thoughts, it's far easier to accept those thoughts and that mood as a part of yourself. It keeps me calm some of the time, and every other time is to be ignored. Like yesterday. Why be so angry with yourself, when you can just accept what's done is done and be tranquil? Why bother separating an illness that affects mood and every aspect of your life, when you can just absorb it, make it be you? Maybe that sounds mad to some, but this is easier, trust me. Perhaps it's been too long for me, I wouldn't know what was 'me' and what was 'it'. We're just one entity now - I'm okay with that. Like I said, calmness is born from a lack of resistance.

However, I'm not going to recommend any of my methods to any person I know with a mental illness - definitely not. Each to their own. My own 'it' doesn't respond well to medication, therapy etc., that's why they call it, 'treatment-resistant'. I just call it 'life', that's what it is.

The bonus is, I'm even more likely to be self-deprecating to cheer friends up - always works. Who can feel bad when you have someone singing Wuthering Heights, out of tune, time and without any idea of pitch? No one can. It is a tad saddening at times to know that people perk up when they compare their problems to mine, but it's still better to know you made someone feel better - even if it is at your own expense. Besides, I'm certain people only befriend, remain friends with or speak to me, out of pity or because they're extremely kind-hearted and mostly patient people. I appreciate it. I'm a burdensome person to know. It's probably a good thing then to be mostly exhausted all the time, it's difficult to respond to anything or anyone. I believe that eases the burden that is knowing me. Reduces upsets and people's constant anger and impatience with me. Because sometimes kids, honesty really isn't the best policy. It hasn't done wonders for me or any communication I've had with other people. Acceptance, avoidance and thinking or feeling nothing - it's the way to go.

End of ramblings and nonsense I suppose. I hope that made some sense - it's as coherent as I can be.