You know what I am absolutely, sick to death of? Being treated like nothing or less than nothing, by people who are SUPPOSED to care. My family and friends mean the world to me, but after much reflection and based on current events and let's face it, my entire past, I have realised that it must not be a mutual feeling.
There are two traits I admire above all others, honesty and loyalty. I'm not being arrogant when I say I am a loyal person, because I am and that's all I want to be. Family is forever, they're not just people you share a name with or genetics. You're supposed to care about each other and love each other unconditionally, which has been a main source of tension in my family. They don't seem to be able to love someone UNCONDITIONALLY. If you can't do that then surely it's not love? It would be just putting up with someone because you know you're supposed to, but that's not love. That's not even tolerance, because they still detest everything about me that makes me the person I am. From my appearance, to my beliefs and morals, to my more liberal ideas, they can't stand them. If they can't even bother to try and understand me, then I don't understand why I continue to love them. Maybe I'm just a masochist, but it is torturous to try over and over to get people to love you, when it seems to be a pointless task. You can't just love someone when you feel like it or when they do something which benefits you. That is just hurtful and the person knows that your love is conditional (trust me, they know) and I don't see the point of dragging people along in your life when you don't genuinely care for them. Just cut them off. However, if that is the action chosen, then it will be me being cut off, not them, because I do love them.
It's not just my family either. I've realised that some people I thought were friends were more like part-time friends. People that see me occasionally (when they feel like it), put up with me and then I don't hear another word from them until they apparently need help with something or want something. The most ridiculous part of this cycle is that I go along with it. I accept the fact that they only want to be my friend when they need something and I leap at the bloody chance, because I have to! What else am I going to do when my friends suddenly don't feel I'm worthwhile anymore to have around? When they can find someone better to replace me with. I'll admit, sometimes I'm overly generous with friends because I don't want them to go, I don't want them to find someone to replace me with. Maybe that sounds pitiful but it's honest. I know I'm not the easiest person to put up with, to befriend because I'm awkward or to love (obviously), but I do try to make myself into someone that people want to talk to.
All I know is that I'm so very tired of having my feelings and worth as a human being, trampled over without a second thought. I don't want people to tolerate me, I want people to genuinely want to be my friend or to love me for who I am. I can't spend the rest of my life feeling like I'm in a marathon against the rest of the world and that every person who passes me will replace me. If my family don't want to accept me that's fine, well it's not, but I'll get over it. If my friends don't actually want to be my friend then that's the same thing. I just can't be the only one trying all the time. I just can't anymore.
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