Girl, Interrupted.

“Our life is what our thoughts make it.”

-     - Marcus Aurelius

I was watching some daft "news" programme the other day. It was very dull, but a certain segment caught my attention; it was about the 'entitled' attitude people now possess. Apparently we are living in a time where manners are considered a thing of the past. We're permanently stressed, rushed and want things NOW, NOW, NOW! We want to lose weight instantly, we want to be served in a cafe instantly, and we obviously have no time to wait. Who can be bothered with 'old-fashioned' pleasantries anymore?

While I did find myself blinking lazily at what passes for journalism nowadays, I did agree with this ‘report’ to a certain extent. However, I also believe it is a tad unfair to claim the majority of us are no longer courteous or polite. Based on my own behaviour and what I've seen from my friend's interactions with other life forms, we do still have manners and are willing to chat (not with creepy taxi drivers, for good reason) with others, but this particular social commentary caused my thoughts to stray a bit (as television usually does) to something I had been pondering for a while now.

Entitlement. What we expect from people, from life in general and what we believe we deserve. I have been very unhappy recently, for numerous reasons, some old and some new. This idea of entitlement though has given me a new perspective; it has interrupted my self-pity and loathing, and twisted those thoughts into something new.

When I am at my worst, when bad things happen (within and outside of my control), I tend to fall back on that childish question ‘why do bad things happen to good people?’ Not that I would be so arrogant as to call myself a good person, but in some cases where I cannot find a reason for the circumstances or the treatment I have received, I can be the ‘good’ person in the equation.

When bad things happen, that I do not understand, I give up on trying for some time. Trying to fit in, trying to be social (I’m an introvert, it’s a struggle), trying to be happy or to make others happy. The cynical side comes forth to protect me and asks, ‘why bother with everything and everyone, when all you get in return is pain and suffering?’ I have used that as an excuse, so many times during my life, to not interact with people and the rest of the world. During those times I believe I am merely protecting myself from everything outside. I cannot control what goes on out there, but I can certainly control my emotions and myself if there are no external forces acting upon my person.

There is of course, a great flaw in this plan of mine. Those sorts of questions and that attitude completely close you off from everything and everyone around you. Yes, you may limit pain and suffering through self-imposed isolation, but you are also blocking out all sources of happiness too. It's like closing your curtains or blinds during the nighttime to rest and not opening them in the morning, not experiencing the sunlight of a new day.

I would never simply say depression is an attitude problem (like so many do), that’s misinformed, condescending and hurtful for those who struggle with such an illness. I can say though, from my own experience, that it is very easy to be self-pitying, hating the world for causing you pain or for being unfair, but it's much harder and more rewarding, to look past that and focus on what makes you happy. The world has never truly been unkind to you; it's a neutral party in the politics of living. It is people who are unfair or unkind. It’s people, you and those you choose to surround yourself with, that are the greatest sources of unhappiness.

We all feel entitled to an extent, to receive kindness and love unconditionally, not taking into account that at times, we may not deserve such treatment. When you feel that way, that people owe you something, that life owes you something better than what you have, you can never be truly happy. Why should life reward you when you have not tried or when you have not made the effort to be happy? Don’t expect nothing though, have standards and boundaries (those are good things), but you cannot expect happiness to be given to you on a silver platter.

Happiness in my opinion, is not something that is ready-made, it’s something that is created; it’s born from many things. For me, it’s mostly my friendships with others that make me happy. Learning one of my best friends Vicky got a new job made me happy, seeing my eldest sister and hearing about her dreams for the future made me happy and talking to my friend Tim always makes me happy. All of that joy that I have received from those interactions, wasn’t because I was ‘entitled’ to it, but because I participated in life, and with people who make me truly happy.

I have no doubt that I will probably lose this perspective at some point and wallow in unhappiness again for a while, but it is my hope in writing this (while the thoughts are still fresh), that maybe, just maybe, I’ll look back on this and remember that my cure is to be alongside the people who mean the world to me. We’re not entitled to anything, we have to be living, to be a participant, to receive and experience the true beauty of life.

It’s like the Professor Jagger once said, ‘you can’t always get what you want, but if you try some times, you get what you need’.

P.S Thank you to Channel 7 for being so lousy. I had to go out into the world and be happy to escape the sheer amount of stupidity being broadcasted.

"Truly great friends are hard to find, difficult to leave, and impossible to forget."

It has been a while since I last blogged, and for many reasons.  Two and a half months is a long time to cover though, I shall keep this short and topical.

There has been such a lead up to my first day back at University, but this time as a Masters student! That fact did not make me anymore confident or willing to attend my first day however, but I still went, dragging my feet at times. I always tend to opt for stomping or dragging my feet, while pondering the possibilities of going and not going. 

Funky, hip Professors greeted me with Doctor Who references (that only I understood), a "token" singular male in my classes who was shopping for a boyfriend (disappointed boy) and a shared enthusiasm for museums as wondrous entities. I was pleasantly surprised the first two days went smoothly, apart from travelling and late finishes and my epic battles with the traffic on Parramatta Road.  I was quite happy.

However, I decided to take a chance this semester and study units which were challenging, which made me uncomfortable. The first two, like I said, went smoothly. The last one though, was a bloody nightmare. It could have been the fact I got a bit too comfortable with University life; I wore a hat, bright lipstick, my techno-colour dream coat, boots and perhaps tried a little too hard to talk to my peers. Well, whatever it was, they were having none of it. In fact, I left that class with quite a heavy heart and zapped of any comfort or sense of belonging to that group of individuals. I was mocked for my age (something I can't really help), questioned about my "accent" and where I was from and worst of all, blatantly ignored after numerous attempts at trying to connect. There was also a sense of what I call "intellectual snobbery," people who believe age, qualifications or how many facts they have memorised have more weighting than curiosity and determination. Like I said, it was a nightmare. No one likes feeling like the odd one out, when everybody else seems to be having all the fun.

But apart from the tragedy that is my academic life, life in the "real world," has not been so great either. I won't go into detail, because I've realised I don't like sharing the intimate details of my life for your scrutiny anymore, but I have reached some conclusions I will share.

Friends - They won't always be there for you. 

Now friendship is extremely important to me, I don't take it lightly. If I call you a friend it has more than likely taken me a while to do so. I've had to talk with you extensively, find out your musical tastes (must appreciate The Beatles), what you watch, suss out what kind of a person you truly are and most importantly, become comfortable in your presence. If I'm shy, if I can't have a conversation with you, you couldn't possibly be a friend of mine. So yes, you have had to meet the criteria I have in my head and if you pass, I consider you a close confidante, a friend for life. I was never one of those idiotic girls in school who formed groups with labels. There is no point making a short-term friend in my books. 

I must sound a bit demanding, but not really. These four things apply to anyone who has friends:

1. When you say we are going to meet somewhere, at a certain time or place, you show up. That's fair isn't it? If you can't make it, you call or text (because it's 2013). You DON'T leave me sitting there for two hours (because I am an idiot) waiting for you and not responding to my attempts to reach you. That's a really low thing to do to someone. But to some, it's acceptable, because I'll always forgive you...or will I? Passive-aggression is my forte. 

2. You DON'T call me just because no one else will go out with you or because you suddenly realised your boyfriend is a bit of a moron and now you're free, I must be free too. No one likes to be the last resort. That also makes people feel really quite miserable and leaves them questioning their own self-worth. 

3. If you have a problem with me (or a friend in general), you tell me, you don't go around telling mutual friends and not expect it to get back to me, because people love to gossip. You certainly DON'T spread lies to get back at someone, e.g sleeping with your ex-boyfriend and a trollop. That is milacious and selfish and does actually hurt people, not that the person spreading lies actually gives a damn. Is that friendship?

4. You DON'T ignore people for days, weeks, months and then suddenly expect a happy reunion. How can you call yourself a friend when you miss great chunks of time in a person's life? People change, so do friendships, obviously.

Maybe that is me having high expectations. Yes, I expect we will meet when you say we will. Yes, I expect to not be the last resort friend. Yes, I expect some loyalty and yes, I expect you to actually want to talk to me.  Aren't we friends? I don't expect or want someone who can't do any of those things to believe I will always be there, as a back up, when they realise that they "miss me," as it's so often put. 

I'm honestly a selfish person when it comes to friendships. I don't make friends easy, but when I do, I consider it like a spot being permanently filled. 

I will:

1. Give you my constant loyalty (I already have if I call you a friend)

2. Always love you (even if left unsaid)

3. Cry with you or for you in times of sadness

4. Try my very best to make you smile or laugh when you're feeling sad

5. Send you ridiculously optimistic and bubbly messages throughout the week, just on a whim

6. Check in on you if I'm worried and constantly worry for you like a mother-hen

7. Believe in you, always

8. Trust you

9. Always remember your birthday and send you messages as close to 12am on that day as I can

10. Give you everything I have and everything I am, just to be your friend

As I said, I take friendships very seriously, probably because I consider my friends a part of my family. Although, I did tell my sister she was on the waiting list before she is marked as a "friend." Right now she's in the "annoying sibling," "I love you, but I hate you," limbo phase. She'll make it, eventually.

I've realised life changes, people change and sometimes, friendships don't work out. I'm resisting that though, for as long as I can. I read somewhere that women take the loss of a long friendship harder than a divorce. Well, I've never wed any person (legally, Kindergarten marriages don't count) and I think that is true. It is saddening to know something you have invested so much time, so much of yourself and love into, is over. It's a period of your life that's over really. 

I've just had a shocking week, re-evaluating my education, life, dreams, but most of all my friendships. A lot of people I know don't actually fit into my criteria any longer, they don't actually fit anywhere into the chaos that is my life. I'd like for them to fit somewhere, but friendship is a give and take union. I can't always be the one to give, to adapt, so the other person feels better and doesn't have to give so much, they only have to take. Where does that leave me? In bed, miserable, with nothing but resentment, twitter and despair to keep me company. 

I'd love to tell people to shape up or ship out, but I'm not good at letting things go, especially not people. It's always on the tip of my tongue, to just tell someone to bugger off and what an arse they are, but no, not polite. Maybe I'll just have to settle for not being as hopeful or as expecting as I have been, at least then I won't be as depressed or disappointed in people as I have been. Or maybe I just missed something? Maybe I should have watched closer, instead of constantly waiting. Maybe I've been an exceptionally bad and uncommitted friend these last few months? If that's the case, which it probably is, I'm sorry. 

But regardless of all the possibilities surrounding the "why?" of my story, life isn't a mathematical equation, you can't solve everything. I can't know everything that happens, even with my seemingly infinite curiosity. I don't think there is a solution to this problem anyway, so I'm going to go with the non-confrontational and easier approach this time. 

Note: I was always the worst Maths student in my classes. 

"Just remember...no matter how careful you are, there's going to be the sense you missed something, the collapsed feeling under your skin that you didn't experience it all. There's that fallen heart feeling that you rushed right through the moments where you should've been paying attention...none of this matters."

Chuck Palahniuk 

Sex: It belongs in the bedroom, not on the street.

I'm sick to death of hearing about people's sexual exploits. I'm sick to death of hearing about people's partners or one night stands. Most of all, I'm sick to death about some of the slack single people get when they're not talking about sex or actively pursuing it.

Bit harsh, I know. The problem is that I'm 20, so most of my friends are around my age and go on and on about this sort of nonsense. What happened to the days when what went on in the bedroom, stayed in the bedroom? I blame Salt-n-Pepa, with that ridiculously catchy song 'let's talk about sex.' I'm all for discussing it when it's to do with our health or promoting awareness of particular infections and diseases. I'm not all for it when it's just for shameless self-promotion or boasting. Honestly, am I supposed to be impressed that someone has slept with so many people? I'm also not impressed that they can perform particular acts, especially when it is brought up in conversation over dinner.

I'm sure everyone encounters this problem at some point in their lives, the friends that constantly fall in and out of love. I think they're just in love with being in love, honestly, it gets tiring after a while. Or when you go out with your friends and they bring their partners. That doesn't bother me at all, until they spend all evening just chatting amongst themselves instead of partaking in conversation as an individual. That seriously bugs me for two reasons. 1. It's downright rude to ignore people when you have invited them out. 2. Being in a relationship does not mean you have to merge into one entity, it's just weird when you can't be yourself. 

The most aggravating thing for me though, with this constant sex craze going on, is people's correlation between being single and being lonely. It's completely unfounded and not very well thought out. For instance, a lot of my female friends always joke when we go out, that I should chat up the bartender or some other guy there. It's funny to start with. It's not at all funny if it occurs every single time you go out. Being single does not mean I'm lonely, just like being alone does not mean you're lonely and I spend a lot of time alone. When I do get lonely or depression gets the better of me, I text friends, call someone or message friends on Facebook. That's when I'm lonely and I'm actually starting to cease doing that, because I think I downright annoy people most of the time. Anyway, I'm not looking for some one night stand, in fact, I'm being incredibly patient. I'd rather wait for the right person and have something meaningful, even if it is short-lived, rather than something based on just physical attraction. That's just shallow and to be frank, I don't particularly find physical attributes to be attractive. I'm much more inclined to fall in love with someone's mind, which I have on a few occasions, one such case still lasting until this very day, than I am to fall in love with someone's physique. I do love glasses though. Bit of a kink.

So can we please stop with all the raging hormones and sex talk? I honestly don't care for it and I doubt most people do. I'm not saying let's all be really repressed and 'do it for England,' but at least a century ago we maintained the facade that these sorts of things were private. What people get up to really shouldn't be broadcasted as much as it is now and it makes for terribly dull conversation if someone (me) isn't interested in the topic. Let's all just keep a lid on it.