"Truly great friends are hard to find, difficult to leave, and impossible to forget."

It has been a while since I last blogged, and for many reasons.  Two and a half months is a long time to cover though, I shall keep this short and topical.

There has been such a lead up to my first day back at University, but this time as a Masters student! That fact did not make me anymore confident or willing to attend my first day however, but I still went, dragging my feet at times. I always tend to opt for stomping or dragging my feet, while pondering the possibilities of going and not going. 

Funky, hip Professors greeted me with Doctor Who references (that only I understood), a "token" singular male in my classes who was shopping for a boyfriend (disappointed boy) and a shared enthusiasm for museums as wondrous entities. I was pleasantly surprised the first two days went smoothly, apart from travelling and late finishes and my epic battles with the traffic on Parramatta Road.  I was quite happy.

However, I decided to take a chance this semester and study units which were challenging, which made me uncomfortable. The first two, like I said, went smoothly. The last one though, was a bloody nightmare. It could have been the fact I got a bit too comfortable with University life; I wore a hat, bright lipstick, my techno-colour dream coat, boots and perhaps tried a little too hard to talk to my peers. Well, whatever it was, they were having none of it. In fact, I left that class with quite a heavy heart and zapped of any comfort or sense of belonging to that group of individuals. I was mocked for my age (something I can't really help), questioned about my "accent" and where I was from and worst of all, blatantly ignored after numerous attempts at trying to connect. There was also a sense of what I call "intellectual snobbery," people who believe age, qualifications or how many facts they have memorised have more weighting than curiosity and determination. Like I said, it was a nightmare. No one likes feeling like the odd one out, when everybody else seems to be having all the fun.

But apart from the tragedy that is my academic life, life in the "real world," has not been so great either. I won't go into detail, because I've realised I don't like sharing the intimate details of my life for your scrutiny anymore, but I have reached some conclusions I will share.

Friends - They won't always be there for you. 

Now friendship is extremely important to me, I don't take it lightly. If I call you a friend it has more than likely taken me a while to do so. I've had to talk with you extensively, find out your musical tastes (must appreciate The Beatles), what you watch, suss out what kind of a person you truly are and most importantly, become comfortable in your presence. If I'm shy, if I can't have a conversation with you, you couldn't possibly be a friend of mine. So yes, you have had to meet the criteria I have in my head and if you pass, I consider you a close confidante, a friend for life. I was never one of those idiotic girls in school who formed groups with labels. There is no point making a short-term friend in my books. 

I must sound a bit demanding, but not really. These four things apply to anyone who has friends:

1. When you say we are going to meet somewhere, at a certain time or place, you show up. That's fair isn't it? If you can't make it, you call or text (because it's 2013). You DON'T leave me sitting there for two hours (because I am an idiot) waiting for you and not responding to my attempts to reach you. That's a really low thing to do to someone. But to some, it's acceptable, because I'll always forgive you...or will I? Passive-aggression is my forte. 

2. You DON'T call me just because no one else will go out with you or because you suddenly realised your boyfriend is a bit of a moron and now you're free, I must be free too. No one likes to be the last resort. That also makes people feel really quite miserable and leaves them questioning their own self-worth. 

3. If you have a problem with me (or a friend in general), you tell me, you don't go around telling mutual friends and not expect it to get back to me, because people love to gossip. You certainly DON'T spread lies to get back at someone, e.g sleeping with your ex-boyfriend and a trollop. That is milacious and selfish and does actually hurt people, not that the person spreading lies actually gives a damn. Is that friendship?

4. You DON'T ignore people for days, weeks, months and then suddenly expect a happy reunion. How can you call yourself a friend when you miss great chunks of time in a person's life? People change, so do friendships, obviously.

Maybe that is me having high expectations. Yes, I expect we will meet when you say we will. Yes, I expect to not be the last resort friend. Yes, I expect some loyalty and yes, I expect you to actually want to talk to me.  Aren't we friends? I don't expect or want someone who can't do any of those things to believe I will always be there, as a back up, when they realise that they "miss me," as it's so often put. 

I'm honestly a selfish person when it comes to friendships. I don't make friends easy, but when I do, I consider it like a spot being permanently filled. 

I will:

1. Give you my constant loyalty (I already have if I call you a friend)

2. Always love you (even if left unsaid)

3. Cry with you or for you in times of sadness

4. Try my very best to make you smile or laugh when you're feeling sad

5. Send you ridiculously optimistic and bubbly messages throughout the week, just on a whim

6. Check in on you if I'm worried and constantly worry for you like a mother-hen

7. Believe in you, always

8. Trust you

9. Always remember your birthday and send you messages as close to 12am on that day as I can

10. Give you everything I have and everything I am, just to be your friend

As I said, I take friendships very seriously, probably because I consider my friends a part of my family. Although, I did tell my sister she was on the waiting list before she is marked as a "friend." Right now she's in the "annoying sibling," "I love you, but I hate you," limbo phase. She'll make it, eventually.

I've realised life changes, people change and sometimes, friendships don't work out. I'm resisting that though, for as long as I can. I read somewhere that women take the loss of a long friendship harder than a divorce. Well, I've never wed any person (legally, Kindergarten marriages don't count) and I think that is true. It is saddening to know something you have invested so much time, so much of yourself and love into, is over. It's a period of your life that's over really. 

I've just had a shocking week, re-evaluating my education, life, dreams, but most of all my friendships. A lot of people I know don't actually fit into my criteria any longer, they don't actually fit anywhere into the chaos that is my life. I'd like for them to fit somewhere, but friendship is a give and take union. I can't always be the one to give, to adapt, so the other person feels better and doesn't have to give so much, they only have to take. Where does that leave me? In bed, miserable, with nothing but resentment, twitter and despair to keep me company. 

I'd love to tell people to shape up or ship out, but I'm not good at letting things go, especially not people. It's always on the tip of my tongue, to just tell someone to bugger off and what an arse they are, but no, not polite. Maybe I'll just have to settle for not being as hopeful or as expecting as I have been, at least then I won't be as depressed or disappointed in people as I have been. Or maybe I just missed something? Maybe I should have watched closer, instead of constantly waiting. Maybe I've been an exceptionally bad and uncommitted friend these last few months? If that's the case, which it probably is, I'm sorry. 

But regardless of all the possibilities surrounding the "why?" of my story, life isn't a mathematical equation, you can't solve everything. I can't know everything that happens, even with my seemingly infinite curiosity. I don't think there is a solution to this problem anyway, so I'm going to go with the non-confrontational and easier approach this time. 

Note: I was always the worst Maths student in my classes. 

"Just remember...no matter how careful you are, there's going to be the sense you missed something, the collapsed feeling under your skin that you didn't experience it all. There's that fallen heart feeling that you rushed right through the moments where you should've been paying attention...none of this matters."

Chuck Palahniuk 

The Two Tragedies in Life: Broken Dreams and Lawyers.

I think one of the problems with society today is our focus on creating unachievable goals for ourselves. I'm not saying goals are a bad thing, they can give direction and encourage certain types of people, but making unrealistic goals is a problem.

We're all basically told that success is definable by measuring our wealth or the status of our careers. For example, in my family it was always suggested marrying someone who was a Doctor or a Lawyer (shudder) was considered beneficial and it was encouraged to seek these types of people out. As a history student, I do find it amusing to see how little things have changed over the centuries. Despite modern claims that we are increasingly progressive socially, we still consider these types of careers as belonging to a certain section of our societies. To belong to the medical field you must be talented and knowledgable (apparently), but people who are artists or work in "ordinary" jobs like retail, are considered either talentless or lazy. Now I will admit, you do sometimes look at older people working in stores and wonder if that was actually what they wanted to do, or if they just never left because they had no other career prospects. At least I used to think that way, until I actually began working in the retail sector and met so many individuals who were extremely talented and intelligent and loved their jobs. So my assumptions were completely unfounded it seems, at least in those cases.

I've deviated from my original point though (and my Professor thinks I lack focus, ha!), that is of our unrealistic expectations and goals for our lives. I'm writing about this because it is highly important in my life at the moment. Today I got a rather scathing email for the aforementioned Professor, saying that my essay was basically dreadful and that I shouldn't even attempt to do Honours. Okay, fair point sir, but not very polite. Honours seem to be just what the name implies, honoured or favoured, basically it looks good to have Honours attached to your basic Bachelor of Arts degree. I've realised though, although it may look very good to potential employers, it's completely unrealistic to think everyone is capable of undertaking Honours and writing a thesis. For me, I know my strengths do not lie in the sort of research and essay writing that a thesis requires. I always need at least some hint of direction, like these blogs, I always go off some initial idea already formed in my head. I don't need to research or ultimately come to a completely formed conclusion in my blog, I just write what I think or what I feel. That's the kind of writing I love.

So maybe I have fallen into the trap of setting goals for myself that are not suitable or right for me. I wanted to do Honours because I thought that other people would think it looked good, I didn't want to do it for me or because I was legitimately passionate about undertaking another year of study. I've always despaired over the fact that some of my friends are only undertaking certain degrees, like medicine, because their parents told them to do it or because they think they will ultimately make a lot of money out of it and be financially secure. Even thinking that, I've still almost attempted to do the same thing. I deliberately chose to study history because I was passionate about it, at least when I started University I was, but now it seems I'm making so many decisions based on assumptions or other people's wants. That just goes to show that parents do not always know best and that really, you know what you're truly capable of. There is no point lying to yourself.

I have to practice what I preach, so I'm going to make a new goal in my life. My new goal is not to make unsuitable or unrealistic goals. I won't say I am going to quit smoking overnight, I won't say I am going to lose 6 kilos before my birthday (though I will try hard at that) and I certainly won't attempt to apply for jobs I know in my heart I would hate or be dreadful at, just because they happen to be respected in our society. I'm not talented in anyway, I can easily admit that. The only thing I have ever wanted to do since I was three years old and used to write terrible horror stories for my Nanna, was to write. I don't have a journalism degree and I certainly wouldn't want to, but it's the only thing I know with absolute certainty, that I would never grow to hate or grow bored with. It has been a love affair lasting almost 18 years, which is basically my entire life and I don't think that will ever change.

Maybe it's time we do away with goals. Most of the goals we set seem to be socially encouraged anyway, with little adaptation to our own lives. I think we could take this further and just encourage people to go for what they are passionate about, to respect all different careers, no matter if they're lower on the socio-economic scale and to just be ourselves really. I mean, if you're going to spend the rest of your life working purely for wealth, why be a lawyer or accountant? You could be a rock star! Maybe people would take you seriously then.