That which has quelled me, lives with me, but I'm still happy.

“Some people turn sad awfully young. No special reason, it seems, but they seem almost to be born that way. They bruise easier, tire faster, cry quicker, remember longer and, as I say, get sadder younger than anyone else in the world. I know, for I'm one of them.” 
― Ray Bradbury, Dandelion Wine

I woke up this morning and felt nothing. Absolutely nothing. I was devoid of sadness, happiness, hunger, thirst, I wasn't even content or worried about feeling nothing. When I was a kid and this happened, I would stay in bed and try to concentrate very hard, staring at the ceiling, until something came to me. I don't do that anymore, I just get out of bed and get on with living.

You make breakfast, shower, ask yourself "do I feel anything yet?...Nope, not yet, just keep going."

By the time I was out and about I did feel something though, it amazed me. It was like waking up and opening your eyes to everything around you. Most people go through their routines everyday, most of us never stop and look around because we've seen it, we appreciated it once upon a time, why bother doing that everyday? But I did this morning, I did stop with my coffee and soak up the feeling of the sunshine on my back, the breeze ruining my hair and the comings and goings of other people in the coffee shop and I realised I was actually alive.

That sounds ridiculous, how can anyone forget they're alive right? I don't mean it like that, I know I'm breathing, but being alive and actually living are two separate things. I mean I realised I was in fact living my life, just like all those other people around me. I wanted to pull out my notebook and write things down that I noticed, until I remembered I gave up the habit of carrying my notebook when I gave up the goal of becoming a writer. Still, the memory is a like a digital camera, if a bit faulty at times.

I'm rambling slightly, but what I am trying to get at is the fact that yes, I am alive and living today. I just needed to stop and look around. People like myself spend so much time with their heads in the past, avoiding the present and never daring to look into the future, that's no-man's land, that we let life pass us by most of the time.

It came as a shock to me to realise today, that when I felt the sunshine, tasted my coffee, listened to other people grumbling with morning grogginess, that I was happy to be there. Doing something so completely normal that we don't stop and think about it for a second, but it made me happy. For the first time in months, I felt every part of me was functioning. Not like days of staying in bed and thinking your heart is beating too slowly or not at all, or being so anxious your heart beat can be heard in your ears or threatens to explode out of your chest, this was the normal thump-thump of every day living.

Despite what a lot of people think about me, I am capable of happiness. Lots of things bring me joy like walking into a store and hearing an old song I used to play over and over and then I forgot about it, learning new random facts and passing them on, running into someone I haven't seen in a long time or simply talking about ridiculous things with friends into the early hours of the morning. All of those things make me joyful. I just forgot about them or simply wasn't paying attention.

This is as much a reminder to myself as it is to people who know me. Today I am happy, I am living and I am fully aware of everything around me. It's a great endorphin rush. I've spent months wondering what it was that I had lost, what it was that I had done to lose my grip on my own happiness. It's not from a lack of trying to be happy or trying to think "positive thoughts." A lot of people think others who are depressed or appear to be sulking are apparently not thinking enough about their lives or their problems. People couldn't be more wrong. It's the exact opposite, I spend too much time thinking and then over thinking every single little thing, until thinking begins to drive me crazy. We're not lazy thinkers, but we focus on the wrong sorts of things.

I think today I realised something important. I didn't lose my happiness or the ability to feel (which I thought many times), I buried it, along with the notions of living, too caught up in everything going wrong, in other people's disasters and too focused on pain. I also have a terrible habit of letting unkind words or other people's actions ruin my days. I remember once a friend asked me what I thought my worst trait was and I didn't hesitate, obsessiveness. When obsessiveness is one of your most dominating personality traits, conditions like depression, eating disorders and anxiety are even worse because you become so focused on them that you forget everything else, usually the good things.

I still have my problems, but I can sort them out. I still worry about the future, but that is going to always happen regardless of how much I stress and sulk.  I'm still an insanely obsessive person and that's never going to change, I'm always going to fuss over my weight, but at least it gives me focus. I do get depressed very easily, but at least I know I also have times of great happiness. There's a quote by someone I can't remember the name of and I'm too lazy to google it, but to paraphrase it said that you can't know happiness until you know sorrow and I believe that wholeheartedly.  If I am sad tomorrow, at least I can assure myself that I was happy today. Maybe I just have to stop every so often and remind myself that I am doing the best that I can, that I'm being and just enjoy the day for what it is, not what it could be.

You have to remember that life is sort of like running a marathon, if all you do is focus on the physical effort, on the distance left to cover, everything seems much harder and longer and you have a lesser chance of ever making the finish line.

“What should I be
but just what I am?” 
― Edna St. Vincent Millay

“A lot of you cared, just not enough.”

"I've always been after the trappings of great luxury. But all I've got hold of are trappings of great poverty. I've got hold of the wrong load of trappings, and a rotten load they are too, ones I could have very well done without." Peter Cook.  There is this peculiar feeling I've been carrying around the past few days (months more likely), it's not despair and it's not quite apathy. Apathy is a lack of interest or concern and I am still concerned about certain things and people, but it seems to me that it's more out of habit than the actual feeling of worry or concern. It's like getting up in the morning and making breakfast, you're not actually physically hungry but it's what you usually do when you wake up. What else is there to do at 5a.m. apart from putting coffee and a slice of toast on? That's not to say the people I do actively choose to talk to (a select and dwindling few) and check up on aren't important to me, of course they are, if anything it shows how important and dear they are to me. I care about them, what they have to say, their "critiques" of my actions, thoughts and life. I listen and respond to all of that. All of that is important, but it's without the recent tendency to be overly emotional, to express all my greatest fears and my heart's desires. I've ended all that, if people don't understand after only a few months of it, how can they possibly understand years of wanting something so badly?  I spent the greater part of my teenage years wandering around, feeling completely isolated, "I was swallowing my pain" as John Lennon put it. I always felt darker than everybody else, too frightened to express my thoughts because I didn't want people to think I was completely crazy. It's just this inner monologue I have everyday with my own conscience, "Should I just say what I think? Oh no, no, don't do that! It's not acceptable! Trouble, trouble, trouble!" Story of my life. I think recently, since December, I got sick of having to constantly censor my thoughts and actions to "fit in" or to spare people from the brunt of them. I have been told by psychiatrists that it's better not to repress these things, that it is healthier to express things before they overwhelm you. I disagree. Maybe some people think it's healthier to express thoughts and feelings, but in my world and the people in it, my thoughts and feelings just seem to hurt people, especially years of pent up emotion.  An example of this was a dear friend of mine getting very cross with me a couple of weeks ago, not only for things I had done, but for things I chose not to do. That hurt a lot. It's extremely hard to keep so many people happy. I remember I was upset and turned to music (as always) to provide some form of comfort. I was on my floor and Jealous Guy by John Lennon started playing and that was bitter sweet. It always seems to play when I'm at my lowest, or I only notice it during those times, either way the lyrics resonated with me, especially that one line "I didn't mean to hurt you, I'm sorry that I made you cry." I thought on one hand, I've tried to spare people and that drove me crazy and on the other hand, I've just caused people pain by trying to release it. They may say that I haven't caused any damage to them, but they're quite wrong.  Things change when you're completely honest with a person, when you spill everything and leave yourself completely at their mercy, unprotected from their opinions. As someone who doesn't deal well with criticism, it took a lot for me to do that and I'm not sure it was worth it. Now every time I talk to those people I'm always wondering what they think of me compared to how I was before. The worst part of it is that I know most people would prefer the former version of myself, it may have been mostly a facade with genuine happiness at times, but I was a better model of a person. The present me isn't very likeable, isn't very loveable and doesn't even have the energy to pretend anymore. Conversations I have now with people I still talk to have shifted. There is this delicacy that wasn't there before and I can't help but wish it that it wasn't like that now. My fault, I changed everything, it's really no wonder I've ended up alone. The one greatest fear I had, the one thing that always kept me from being honest with people, was the fear that I would end up shunned and unloved. I knew I wasn't normal and the fact that my fear has come to pass only proves to me that I should have kept my mouth shut.  The only way to explain this present state of coldness and regret is to look backwards I think, with some help from a particular novel. There is a book I read last year, entitled "Thirteen Reasons Why" by Jay Asher. If I could quote the whole book to you reader, I would, but to do so would infringe copyright laws and I can't afford a lawsuit at the moment (or ever). The novel is basically about a girl named Hannah, who commits suicide and tells thirteen people why she took her life (hence the title). All of these people were involved in her death to some degree, even though they all thought they made absolutely no impact at all, that they were completely insignificant in this girl's life. This isn't supposed to depress you, I know suicide has that label attached to it, but the reason that I'm mentioning this particular novel is because I think it seems so similar to my own actions, obviously with a different ending. I didn't record tapes or a chain letter for thirteen different people, but I did want to touch certain people just once more before I tried. Now those people may have thought they were generally insignificant, but they weren't. I didn't leave a letter to my family, I didn't know what to say, but to my dearest friends....how could I not want to remind them how much I loved them? That was selfish of me, that upset quite a few people and I regret that hurt, but I don't regret my actions. If it was the last time I got to ever "speak" to these people, I wanted it to count and I wanted to be felt. Saying something aloud to someone can only be captured and stored by a "faulty camera in our minds," (Death Cab For Cutie) but written words can last a lifetime. I suppose, in retrospect, I want something to last.  There are two great lines from this novel that I loved and I read over and over again. One of them is more of a paragraph than a "line," but you understand me. The first is what happened before.  "I sat. And I thought. And the more I thought, connecting the events of my life, the more my heart collapsed." The second is how you try to explain yourself.  "If you hear a song that makes you cry and you don't want to cry anymore, you don't listen to that song anymore. But you can't get away from yourself. You can't decide not to see yourself anymore. You can't decide to turn off the noise in your head." In the novel, Hannah dies, she doesn't have to answer any questions. Life is a bit more complicated than the plot of a best-seller. When you wake up unexpectedly you have to face reality, answer questions people have and try to ease the pain you have caused by wanting to be selfish, by wanting to just write things that you couldn't say in person. There isn't a good response to someone telling you "I'm glad you're not dead, because I would have missed you everyday of my life and wondered why I couldn't help you." What could I have possibly said to that? How do you reassure someone that there was nothing they could have ever done, that they were always there and it just wasn't enough anymore? I know firsthand, as much as you want people to forget about it, there is nothing you can do or say to take that memory away from them or that time of fear. People will be angry, people will be upset and some people won't know how to feel. I can understand that. I regret that, but I can understand it. My life has just reached a point where people aren't enough to take away my pain and I'm not good enough to overcome it. So is it any wonder that I can't summon up the energy or emotion to be passionate about life? That I go through the motions of living day in and day out, without any actual feeling? That I'm a borderline apathetic/depressive person? That I can't even be bothered to fix my physical health? I don't think so. Even if people doubt me, or want me to be happier, I think the least they could do for me would be to understand me. Not all of me, that's a bit of an ask, but be as accepting of me as I am of them. That's all I want right now. In return, I'll spare them any further pain and keep it to myself.

I know I felt like this before, but now I'm feeling it even more.

"Writing is a form of therapy; sometimes I wonder how all those who do not write, compose or paint can manage to escape the madness, melancholia, the panic and fear which is inherent in a human situation."
Graham Greene

Writing for me has always been more of an exercise to unscramble my thoughts, to create something composed yet raw and realistic. I have absolutely no time to read things which are unmoving or so lost in fantasy that characters or people (as they should be) are only caricatures of human beings. There's a reason I'm drawn to autobiographies or writers who tend to use biographical details for their plots and characters, it's simply because it's easier to connect with something or someone which is possible and sound. As many of my philosophy lecturers told me in my first year of University, our minds cannot fully comprehend the impossible or the infinite, so literature/blogs/text in general has to be realistic enough for me to form some kind of connection with it. Good on all those people who love the imagined worlds and people of Sci-fi novels (I've read a few) or abstract works, they're not for me. I was never very good at creative writing, probably because of my preferences, so you will never see a blog post from me which is very far from the truth of the human condition. This is extremely autobiographical, especially this post.

The reason I'm telling you all of this (whoever you are), is because I'm going to do some soul sharing with you. It's a lot easier for me to share things anonymously this way, rather than express my thoughts or feelings vocally or visually, although I haven't tried the latter. I'm sure it would go incredibly wrong, I'm not very creative. 

I have so much to share and get off my chest, but I'm not going to overindulge and send you poor people crazy with my maddening thoughts. There is one aspect of myself I will share though, only because I don't have a choice anymore, it's hounding me daily and clawing at the inner parts of my soul. I'm not quite sure how to express any of this and I have tried so many times to tell different people, but I choke and nothing rational ever passes from my lips. I'll give it a go here though and if this doesn't work, or doesn't reflect any form of rational thought, than I will just have to carry it with me and hope it doesn't drive me completely insane.

I have failed. I've said that before I believe, but this is quite different. This isn't me failing to diet and be like those girls from the magazines, it's not me failing an exam and not being as intelligent as I had hoped to be, it's me fundamentally failing myself and the people I love more than I can express here. I'm sure we all can understand the love you feel for a parent or a sibling, that familial love is what I'm talking about. The people I failed, apart from myself, are my mother and father. That's hard to admit, but this is easier than saying it aloud. Saying anything aloud or face to face with another person makes thoughts or feelings much more concrete and real, perhaps that's why I never could say any of this. 

The one goal I set for myself, that never changed with my hairstyles, moods, age or "fashion sense," was to "fix" my parents. That sounds quite harsh, they're not terrible people that need to be cured of anything, but they're broken. It's not because they separated when I was young, they're far too alike to be committed to one another and are actually far better off apart. That insight did become more apparent as I got older though. My parents are full of problems, which I won't divulge here because that's their life and not mine to discuss, but their problems naturally affect those who love them. I love them, despite any issues they have, so it has always been my goal or the job I set for myself to fix them. The only thing I ever aimed to do was to make them happy. I've done that in some small ways I think. I did okay at school, I didn't rebel like my older sister, I didn't cause any problems for them, I even went to University, all of those things made them happy. That's not the sort of happiness I aimed for though, I wanted to make them genuinely happy not just with me, but with life in general. I wanted to take their problems away and cure them of any unhappiness, but obviously I couldn't do that. I couldn't make them physically better, I couldn't make them mentally better because I can't change the past they're both so unhappy with and being an adult, I have to deal with my own life and can't face all their problems for them. I wish I could though, every part of me wishes I could make them so much happier than they are. Instead, I'm reminded of this failure every time one of them feels down and likes to express how much of a fuck up their life is, how much better things would be had they done this or that, had they not had children or met each other. That's hard to cope with, especially after 15 years of it. Listening to your mother or father, when they're at their lowest, express just how unhappy they are and how much they regret, that's hard to ignore or forget about. Surely any child who loved their parents as much as I do would want to take that sort of regret and pain away? It's hard from me to accept I can't do anything about that now, that I can only comfort them in the present, even if that doesn't seem to help at all. 

To realise that you have failed at something you made your lifelong goal is heart-breaking, crushing and has without a doubt brought me the worst despair I have ever felt in my life. Perhaps even worse is knowing (I wish I didn't) that I truly can't change a thing for either of them, that the goal I set myself is impossible and I was always bound to fail. That's probably due to my stubbornness, I always felt obliged to prove people wrong, to aim for impossible things. Unfortunately that sort of attitude has only ever brought me pain and wasn't worth the effort. Not many things are worth much effort these days.

I just needed to get that one problem out of my head, to ease the pain a tad. I know I probably won't find any answers to my problems, I've set myself up to fail at so many things. I'm sorry this has been yet another post of me rambling my way through illogical depressing thoughts and feelings. I couldn't think of any other way though and I definitely couldn't actually say any of this aloud. It was hard enough typing this, to form thoughts and feelings into written words I can see on my screen, it of course brought me to tears (not a hard feat). 

We'll settle for this being a "secret," confined to this bizarre blog world, which is only a reflection of our digital personas, not quite reality yet. Reality bites. 

Feelings: Making the most beautiful people.

"The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen."

- Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

Following Kübler-Ross' quotation on the feelings of people, or rather the impact of feelings on people, I have to say that I have always connected with people who have not had the easiest of lives. You will notice that these people have a sort of resolve and resilience that is completely admirable, and they do make the greatest friends. More than likely, this is due to the fact that having survived so much and dealt with so much drama in their own lives, they seem to become the more compassionate members of our society. The people who understand when to speak and when to listen, or when to reach out with a kind act to brighten someone else's day. What isn't admirable about that kind of human spirit? Although I am somewhat of a cynic myself, I could never think unkindly about these sorts of beautiful people.

The reason I mention these sorts of people is because very recently in my life, feelings have become such a major issue and my friends (these wonderful people) have helped guide me through it as best as they could. Feelings in general are definitely one of the most important parts of being human (as Dumbledore explained to Harry), but when feelings aren't "good" or "healthy," they are completely destructive. Feelings do not just appear, at least not to me, they build and are shaped by external influences and they can go either way. They can create something amazing like loving relationships or they can destroy everything that was once "good." As I've always considered myself much more of a thinking person, which is true when I'm being objective or in the position to do so, when it comes to my own life I am definitely much more of a feeler or an empath (not to be mistaken with Phoebe from Charmed).* 

Being more empathetic towards people can never be admonished. It is certainly a trait I wish more people in this world possessed, but there is a limit to this "ability" of mine. I think Andrew Boyd put it best when he wrote:

“Compassion hurts. When you feel connected to everything, you also feel responsible for everything. And you cannot turn away. Your destiny is bound with the destinies of others. You must either learn to carry the Universe or be crushed by it. You must grow strong enough to love the world, yet empty enough to sit down at the same table with its worst horrors.” 

Unfortunately for me, I haven't yet conquered the skills required to disconnect myself from other people's lives. In particular I seem to have a problem with getting caught up in the feelings of others and disregarding my own at the same time. This is a big problem for me, a huge problem in fact. The most alarming aspect of this particular problem is taking on other people's thoughts and feelings, while your own aren't stable in the slightest. I've done this, very recently with a friend of mine. To make matters worse, neither of us possessed stable thoughts or feelings, both sets were tumultuous and overwhelming to the point where I began having panic attacks. I woke up from nightmares and panicked, not only was I drowning in my sleep, now I was drowning under the weight of more than just my own feelings. I couldn't bear it. So you see, there comes a point when human emotion can be so hurtful and feeling responsible for other people's lives and feelings can just create the worst sort of despair imaginable, especially when you realise you cannot possibly fix everything. Trying to fix other people and make them stronger is an impossible task if your own feelings and sense of responsibility are built upon shaky foundations.

Everyone knows what it is like to feel stressed (not teenage girls though), to panic, to be nervous or sad when another friend is sad. No one ever wants a friend to feel alone, to be overwhelmed by despair and pain and most people will adopt or attempt to share some of those feelings. However, most people know about the importance of boundaries. We'll call them boundaries because that is what I think they are (think of a wall), even though I've never had a friend say to me "okay George, you're overstepping my emotional boundaries here." They exist because, let's face it, most of us have enough to be going on with and it isn't healthy to become depressed just because your friend is. You can't help people by mimicking them. Once again, another failing of mine. I have a remarkable tendency to absorb another person's feelings at times, close friends or family I mean. I don't actually wander the streets and say "hey buddy, tell me about it, let's have a moment here." That would be absurd and well, despite what I'm telling you in this blog entry, I do have a cap on my levels of compassion and empathy, I only have enough reserves for those I love dearly.

The reason I'm writing all of this, about feelings, beautiful people, the importance of boundaries, is mostly for my own benefit I'll admit. It's more to remind myself of these things which I know, but which I often forget to put into practice. I'm depressed, I get overwhelmed and anxious easily, I'm not vulnerable but I'm not a rock like Paul Simon or Art Garfunkel** either. My own feelings or perhaps even my whole existence, exists in my mind as an outlier in the data. The way I am, I would never want a friend of mine to be. The things I do, like taking responsibility for other people's lives or to take their feelings to spare them pain, I think that is a very humane response, but not a healthy one. I wouldn't recommend doing it. 

People experience different feelings and responses for a reason and I suppose my reason for wanting to spare certain people pain is because I love them more than words can express. I've been thinking about boundaries more and more though and I think that most of our lives are dealing with feelings and experiencing pain, sadness and heartbreak, because these things are what make beautiful people and encourage compassion. Our feelings, our experiences, it builds our foundations and makes us stronger people in the grand scheme of things. 

As for me though, my moonlighting days as a Charmed One have been crippling that progress for some people and I'm sorry, that wasn't my intention. The only thing I created was more pain for myself, I caused severe frustration in quite a number of people and I realised the dreadful truth that I am actually only human, not a Charmed One (although they were technically human). I can't do everything for people (even though I want to). 

I think I would have preferred the power of telekinesis, but only if I could move thoughts or feelings out of my mind to somewhere else entirely. Apart from telekinesis, empathy isn't too bad though, once you learn how to control it. It's just a damn shame it takes so much work, but that's humanity for you, we always have to be feeling something. Nothing is ever easy.  

Notes: 

* Phoebe (Alyssa Milano, the babe) actually did go crazy from empathy when she received that power in Charmed, but she learnt how to control it. Prue (Shannen Doherty, power of telekinesis) did as well in the first series (before she was killed off).  

** I Am A Rock by Simon & Garfunkel, appreciate it. 

We will call this one "Untitled."

This is not going to be depressing, this is going to be frank. Lately I haven't really been myself, I've been playing some sort of imitation of myself, a rather poor imitation at the best of times.

I can't even explain it to you.

I have been toying with the idea of what it would be like to be someone else for a few days, I'm sure we have all done that. It's not a new thought, it's why I've always loved reading autobiographies of people I admire, to share a feeling or experience with someone, to live their lives from a page, to escape into their experiences.  Stephen Fry also seemed to have this fascination when he was younger, it's probably a common habit.

It is not about escaping though, I know I have no where to run. You can't run away from yourself, your thoughts, your feelings, I can't even detach myself for very long from those and I have tried persistently for weeks. I even tried ignoring people, leaving them alone without me because I still don't think it would make much of a difference to them. Funny thing though, when I just want to be alone, not to wallow, but to think, people always seem to need me for something. When I want to be with people though, I never seem to be able to find anyone. Probably for the best anyway, I'm not great company even when I'm "normal."

For the past few weeks I have preferred to listen to music than to mosey out and see people, preferably something with soul, passion and music which would probably be labelled "sad." Although most of my friends seem to think listening to "sad" music when you're depressed could only make things worse, they're dead wrong. Seeing people going about their days, happy as can be, hearing their optimism and enthusiasm about their lives and listening to chipper songs makes things worse, it's like being pierced right through the heart. Why can't I be like that? Why did this happen to me? That's what I think when I'm surrounded by all those bright things. "Sad" music doesn't make me worse, it makes me feel comforted, it fools me into believing that I'm not alone, even when I am.

I'm a bit like a cancer at the moment, or a pathogen. Every time I open up to someone and try to make them understand, they become infected with my rather morbid and twisted perspective on life. I have to feel guilty for that, I can't not feel responsible for bringing people down, not quite to my level, but further down than they were before. Another good reason to stay away from the general population, I need to contain myself. I don't mean to do that to anyone, but it seems maybe subconsciously I wanted everyone to feel like I do, just so they would understand. No one understand though and the more time I have to think about it, the more I don't want them to understand, the more I don't want them to feel what I feel.

Every day my moods go up and down for no reason. Every day I flip from wanting to be with people, to wanting to be alone. I talk to people when I'm feeling particularly lonely most of the time, but I'm putting a stop to that, I don't want to rely on people for too long. Every day is like a continuous journey that I can only go on by myself and the destination just seems completely out of my reach. I don't think I'll ever get to where I want to go, because I don't know where I'm going.

To directly confront my life critics, all I can say is that I am trying. I know it must seem to some that sitting by myself, listening to music or just walking around for hours isn't a way to help myself, but it is. It's my way. I may not see a psychiatrist and I may not talk it out with other people, but that isn't a justification for saying that I'm not trying. Isn't every person different?

Maybe my ways don't work entirely, but I can't do everything everyone wants me to do, I just can't. I probably won't get better to be brutally honest, maybe because I can't see any future for me or because I don't care anymore. I can't spend everyday having to deal with my inner monologue while other people get to go around carefree. It's not fair, life isn't. I know that. At the moment I'm just being and trying, but I'm still contagious. I'm not going to infect people anymore.

I'm sorry for being so down and messed up and I'm sorry for not being able to try harder and get better like loads of other people do. I am truly sorry for pretty much everything people think I am doing wrong, but to me it seems completely rational and for a purpose. I know I'm not like most people, I know sometimes the things I do are ridiculous, reckless and dangerous and that's not usually me, but I'm not me at the moment and I can't be damned with consequences. What else could possibly go wrong for me? Why should I even bother caring? If my reason for caring is only for the impact on other people all of the time and not for myself, that's a waste of my life isn't it? At the moment I'm pretty sure it's the only reason I'm still alive, that and bad luck.

I think people should just let me be and end up where I want to be, wherever that is and stop misdirecting me. I love talking to my close friends, but at the moment their brutal honesty just hurts me and brings me to tears. I just want people to see what I see, but they can't or just won't indulge me, not even for a few seconds. Knowing that breaks my heart a bit more. I would rather not know a lot of things at the moment.

2012: That's A Wrap Everyone!

Well, it has been quite a year. When I was thinking about writing this I thought, where the hell do I start?!  I can't begin at the beginning of 2012 because either can't remember much of it, or it was entirely uneventful. So I'm just going to pick some key moments and run with that and because I'm feeling particularly sentimental, I'll end with my thoughts on the closest people in my life. Sounds like a plan, alrighty then.

First things first, I became an "aunt" again, with the newest member of our family, Braxton Jordan, being born in April. He was the tiniest creature I have ever seen in my life, new to this world and so delicate to hold. I'll admit I had this insane fear that I was going to break him, he just seemed so precious to me. His birth was definitely a beautiful event this year.

Following April I suppose a big moment for me, definitely the highlight of my year, was my solo trip to England to study abroad at the University of East Anglia (UEA). I don't know what I was expecting, knowing me it wouldn't have been much, a terrible accident or injury perhaps? Whatever I had previously thought, UEA blew my mind. I met so many warm and energetic people from all around the world and I'm glad to call quite a few of them friends now. I had this once in a lifetime opportunity to live and study in Norwich and London for a little over four weeks and I had the time of my life. I was already completely in love with London, but Norwich was not what I expected at all. I'm a city girl, loud noises and cafes on every corner is what I'm used to. Norwich was not loud, it wasn't overflowing with cafes at all, but it was quaint and held so much history and beauty, I fell in love with the small town too. I got to learn a lot more than contemporary British theatre while I was there. I think I found out what it was like to be completely out of your comfort zone, surrounded by people you don't know and I love the independence it inspired. I've never regretted studying abroad, it was probably the best thing I have ever or will ever do.

Theatre kids take London. Mana, Jeff, Anna, George (me), Mackenzie and Lana.

After my incredible adventure to the Motherland, the year really went down hill very quickly. Within the space of three months I got the "opportunity" to move three times, once legitimately my own choice. It was rough on me and incredibly upsetting, but that's life for you. I have now settled in the Inner West of Sydney with my best friend and another girl I went to school with. I think this place suits me much better than the Eastern suburbs where I'm originally from, although the coffee definitely isn't as good, cheaper though. It's very hard at times, living with friends, you're bound to get at each other's throats a bit and that has happened, but overall it's not that hard. Moving out was always a plan of mine before I turned 21 anyway and I accomplished that, perhaps not on my own terms though.

So that leads us to another major (somewhat major) event, I turned the ripe old age of 21 in the same week I finished my Bachelor of Arts degree. So not only am I old now, I've also finished University with a degree in History, set to graduate in April of 2013.  My birthday week was incredible in comparison to how my life generally is, I got to spend time with friends, receive fabulous gifts and I felt very loved. My party was small but everything I wanted, it was probably one of the greatest weeks of my life. 

My eldest sister Cass, George and my second eldest sister Jessie on my 21st birthday.

Those were the main events of 2012 I suppose. Everything else is irrelevant now and not particularly interesting. I did get to see Bill Bailey and Noel Fielding with friends. I changed my hair plenty of times, changed jobs, lost (very little) weight, slow walkers pissed me off even more than usual, I tried to be more social (failed) and struggled with my depression and eating disorder again. See? Completely irrelevant daily stuff, not very interesting. 

So you're probably wondering, George, where is this going now? You've just wrapped 2012 up! Not quite, not quite darlings. My wrap up would not be complete unless I took this final opportunity to mention a few people who made this year bearable. Bear with me here, I'm an emotional being at times.

To:

Cass - My darling eldest sister, what an inspiration you are! I'm so glad I found you again.

Jessie - My constant companion always, you're even more beautiful on the inside.

Gabby - My oldest friend, my philosophical equal.

Laura - My other half.

Thea - One of the smartest and kindest souls I know.

Vick - My sister from another mother, father, country, different birth date...

Anna - A beautiful lady, one I wish I had met so much earlier.

Jenny - My feisty Russian doll and protector.

Drew - A warm-hearted beauty.

Lily - A top notch baker and an even better friend (if possible).

Timothy - Terribly bad (but funny) accents, bizarre stories and endearingly odd.

Mitchell - My favourite cousin, you deserve so much more out of this life, I hope it shapes up for you.

Nanna - Sorry I let you down, but everyone has their own dream.

Mum - Thank you for everything, but how did you forget to pick me up?!

One pissed off Kindy student.  You forgot that Mum!

Dad - No I'm just moody, I don't get my period everyday of the year, thank you very much.

That is it guys, that's a wrap for 2012 with all the highs and lows this year has brought me.

Was there a point to all of this? I'd like to think there was. If my life has taught me anything, it is that I should be thankful for the things I do have and what I'm most thankful for is the people I have, hence the messages. You should know that the one thing I wanted most in life was to make people happy, that has always been the goal. I hope I was somewhat successful in my endeavour, even if it made you happy for a second, that's good enough for me. It's also the reason that I have this persistent desire to take hundreds of photos every time I'm out with friends, to update my Facebook status, to write a blog entry, all because I want that documentation of my happiness with others. I just wanted to capture all those good moments and never forget them, I know how easy it is to forget those magic moments at times. So I apologise now for my obsessive updating of Facebook and this blog and taking large amounts of photos of every person I know. 

Now this was a happy moment for me, terrifying, but happy.

Thank you my lovelies, you have been spectacular, sincerely. GRMB.

A thought on life:

"And if I can take part in it by transforming my own consciousness, then someone else's, I'm happy to do it." 

- Bill Hicks

Prescription Pills: The Making of Wonderful Disasters.

"I'm a wonderful disaster. So are you. We're all a mess. We're in this culture that says take this pill and you'll be happy, go on this diet and you'll be thinner, have your teeth whitened, people will love you more." 
This is society in a nutshell. 

I want to correct something for you or better yet, provide you with some new insights I've just recently realised. To mention a post of mine from way back, when I was discussing drugs and the possibility that they're not all that bad, I have something new to add to that discussion. I still believe we can't really judge people who choose to use drugs and I still think they have had some positive impacts, however I'm starting to think that the point of me writing that post was to validate my own actions. I don't consider myself a drug-taker (most of them don't) but I can't deny the fact I've abused them. Prescriptions pills most definitely and very rarely, alcohol too.

Prescription pill "popping" is probably a lot more common than most people think. I consider those warnings more of a guideline anyway, people assume they know how much they can handle (myself included). It just so happens that in my case I can take quite a hit from many different types of pills e.g. valium, xanax, panadeine forte etc. They're all prescription only, but these days doctors seem more than happy to give them out to you (a big part of the problem), it's only the pharmacist that's a bit iffy. So unlike alcohol, I can handle these sorts of drugs. I've used and abused them at times, always at dark times and I never achieve anything apart from grogginess, pain and confusion. When I was thinking about this last night it did strike me that I was a lot more like my mother than I had previously thought. I know there is a lot of talk about addictions being linked to your genetics and I do believe that, but maybe when I was judging my mother (well, considering more like) I was ignoring my own abuses of drugs. I think maybe I do actually belong to that group of drug-takers I was discussing, maybe that's what bugs me so much when people want to criticise something they can't understand. I can understand these sorts of addictions because a) well acquainted with so many people with addiction problems and b) on occasion I happen to belong to that group that is so criticised by our "society." (Note: Society sucks)

With that realisation, I can't say I will actually change anything about my "problem." It's more recreational than a habit (true story), it's more for pain than for needing the pills to survive and it's usually to aid the process of dying. Considering all those attempts have failed, maybe I'm just not very good at drug-taking or my body just keeps outsmarting my mind (not a hard task). Regardless of why I choose to take prescription drugs, I would really hate to see what my internal organs look like now, let's put it that way.

In regards to suicide and prescription pills though, people always seem to believe that overdosing is a much more womanly way to die. There is less mess, less pain (so they think) and it's quick (sometimes). People are idiots and most certainly wrong about those assumptions and I can't for the life of me understand where they got their information from (if they have ANY), but I have heard this sort of rubbish time and time again. Apparently shooting yourself or something more violent is a "manly" way to die. Bullshit.  I'm not even going to bother correcting them because it's just ridiculous, but I would say to people who criticise the way someone chooses to die that maybe they should focus on why someone would want to die in the first place. It doesn't matter how someone dies, isn't the loss of a life itself more important? How is just the details, why is what is more important. Then again, some people really get a kick out of being cold-hearted and mean-spirited and I've never really liked those sorts of individuals anyway.

There was really no point to this post really, I just wanted to correct some of my previous statements. I left out prescription drugs altogether in my last drugs post because it's a touchy subject for me, it's still quite raw in fact because it's very close to me. Illicit drugs, alcohol abuse, all of those drug addictions are close as well, but they're not me, I don't do those sorts of things (not willingly anyway, I have been spiked), so it is a lot easier to be objective (somewhat) about those habits. I'm correcting my previous errors now because it just seemed like the right time to do it and I have to say, I do wish doctors would stop being so giving with all the drugs. I really don't like doctors. Maybe at some point it was about curing people and helping them, now it seems to be acceptable to load them up with goodies. I'm not blaming them (whoever they are, loads of people probably), individuals ultimately choose whether or not they're going to abuse them but less access would be handy. I just don't know, what do other people think?

I do seriously believe people need to be more aware of seemingly harmless drugs like those prescribed to you as being addictive as well, instead of just assuming that if a doctor prescribes it, it must be good for you. A load of good it has done for me. They have never helped me, they have only ever aided my own destruction. I could probably blame our social atmosphere for that, because that's the flaw with our society isn't it? Everything good just decays. We'll do whatever we're told, we'll take whatever we're given and we ultimately abuse and twist all those "good" things until we are these "wonderful disasters." We're all a mess really.